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January 21, 2011 at 11:50 am #194978
I am passing this on to all Old Bulls because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished and, before leaving for work this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rit e now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u fukin luvum.!
:laugh:January 23, 2011 at 8:24 am #106662Jim was out one day inspecting his boundary fence on his newly owned cattle property in western QLD. He noticed his neighbor mending some yards and stopped to introduce himself. They did the usual greetings and current events banter. Toward the end of the conversation the neighbor said, “Since you are new to the area why don’t you come over tonight for a party.” Jim said “What sort of a do would it be?” The neighbor replied “There will be a bit of drinking then a bit of fighting followed by a little bit of loving.” Jim had been single for a while and said “hey that sounds great, but what will I wear?” The neighbor replied “It doesn’t matter its just going to be you and me!”
January 23, 2011 at 9:22 pm #106663A rare occurrence
There was a knock on the door this morning,
I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:
“I’m a Jehovah’s Witness”.
I said “Come in and sit down.”
“Now what do you want to talk about”?
He said, ” Fucked if I know I’ve never got this far before”January 25, 2011 at 7:15 am #195100Murphy & Mary decide to try a 69! Murphy’s never done 1 so Mary says she’ll show him. She tells him to lie on the floor & squats over him. As she lowers herself onto his face, she farts, apologising she tries again but farts again. Murphy jumps up & storms out yelling, “I’ll be fucked if I’m hanging around for 67 more of them”!
January 25, 2011 at 1:00 pm #106664I went on a ride weekend and we had great weather, the trails were perfect and after 150 kays of riding for the first day we headed straight for the pub to wind down.
A few of us hooked in as the beers were cold and just what we needed after a great day on the bikes.
Later in the night while I was taking a piss I heard someone dry reaching and on further inspection I could see Efto kneeling down with his head over the toilet, as I pushed the door open I got a shock,
Huskybloke was jamming 2 fingers up Efto’s arse ” WTF are you doing husky ? “……….” well you see Efto has had a bit to much to drink and I’m trying to help him throw up “……..” how is that going to help!!!!! “…….” you just wait till I stick my fingers down his throat ” :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:January 25, 2011 at 6:56 pm #195236think i know who the one was that had to much to drink ……….. hey Efto!!!!, Id say pete was pretty busy thinking this one up on his own last night :huh:
pete the wulf wrote:
Quote:I went on a ride weekend and we had great weather, the trails were perfect and after 150 kays of riding for the first day we headed straight for the pub to wind down.
A few of us hooked in as the beers were cold and just what we needed after a great day on the bikes.
Later in the night while I was taking a piss I heard someone dry reaching and on further inspection I could see Efto kneeling down with his head over the toilet, as I pushed the door open I got a shock,
Huskybloke was jamming 2 fingers up Efto’s arse ” WTF are you doing husky ? “……….” well you see Efto has had a bit to much to drink and I’m trying to help him throw up “……..” how is that going to help!!!!! “…….” you just wait till I stick my fingers down his throat ” :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh::huh:
January 25, 2011 at 8:54 pm #195237Whats the worst thing about a 69er.
The view :X
Happy Oz day all
January 26, 2011 at 7:57 pm #195239Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack
wasn’t what they had in mind.After a night of drink and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing
a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”Just had my water bill of $175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for
just $2 a month: time to change supplier I think.February 1, 2011 at 9:27 pm #106665A Hooker in Las Vegas
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking
Vegas hooker catches his eye.He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
“How much do you charge?”The Hooker replies, “It starts at $500 for a hand-job.”
The Aussie says, “$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap!
No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”The hooker says, “Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?”
“Yes.”
“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?”
“Yes.”
“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those.
And I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”So the Aussie says, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.”
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?”
The hooker replies, “$1,500.”
“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!”
The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.”
The Aussie, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides t o put off the new car for another year or so and says, “Sign me up.”
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”
The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?
“Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”
No,” the hooker replies, “but I would… if I had a pussy
February 2, 2011 at 12:22 am #195649Ohhhhh nuuuuuts!
February 2, 2011 at 10:18 pm #106666WOMAN’S DIARY
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I’d been shopping in the afternoon with the girls
and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.The bar was really crowded and loud,
so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.He was still very subdued and distracted
so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.All through dinner he just didn’t seem himself
– he hardly laughed and didn’t seem to be
paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.He dropped me back home and I wondered
if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.I asked him what was wrong,
but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed,
I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.He didn’t follow me up immediately but came up later and,
to my surprise, we made love
– but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.I cried myself to sleep –
I think he’s planning to leave me –
maybe he’s found someone else.– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
MAN’S DIARY:
Australia lost the cricket.
Gutted.
Got a root though.
February 6, 2011 at 12:13 pm #195701This story is very topical at the moment.
A chap walks into the Labour Party office, says to the receptionist, “I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be a Labour politician.”
The receptionist replied “certainly sir Please fill in this form.”
So he was filling in the form OK until he came to the question “Are you circumcised?”
So he asked the receptionist “Is that question necessary?”
She replied “If you are circumcised you are not eligible.” He asked “what difference it would make if he was circumcised?”
She replied “To become a member of the Labour Party you have to be a complete prick.”February 6, 2011 at 10:15 pm #195964If the Stork brings the good babies and the Raven brings the bad babies
So what brings no babies?
The Swallow!
February 6, 2011 at 11:33 pm #196004Fuckn female QLD premier!
Fukn female NSW premier !!
Fukn female Tassie premier !!!
And a fukn female prime minister!!!!
Country is run by fuckn women…
Fuck me is it any wonder Oz floods monthly and goes off like a cyclone.
February 10, 2011 at 7:21 pm #106667:laugh:
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons
or prior experience.
She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into
action.. as it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde
begins to slip from the saddle.In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but despite her best efforts,
slides down the horse’s flanks.
The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping
rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away
from the horse and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
She is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground time and time again.As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune.. Frank, the Woolworth’s trolley
boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. -
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