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February 10, 2011 at 7:24 pm #196627menace wrote::laugh:
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons
or prior experience.
She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into
action.. as it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde
begins to slip from the saddle.In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but despite her best efforts,
slides down the horse’s flanks.
The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping
rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away
from the horse and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
She is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground time and time again.As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune.. Frank, the Woolworth‘s trolley
boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.Whats Woolworths? Isnt it Safeway
February 10, 2011 at 7:26 pm #106668I went out last night to one of those hypnotist shows last night.
He hypnotized 7 blokes then dropped the mike on his foot & said “Fuck me”.
What happened next will haunt me forever. :dry:
February 10, 2011 at 7:27 pm #106669Last night I was sitting on the couch watching TV when I heard my wife’s lovely voice from the kitchen.
“What would you like for dinner, My Love. . . chicken, beef or lamb?”
I said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken.”
She replied “You’re having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat.” :woohoo:
February 10, 2011 at 7:28 pm #106670Little Fire-fighter
If you don’t laugh at this one, you’re not breathing…..
A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed
a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides
and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look. ‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’
the fire-fighter said with admiration.‘Thanks,’ the girl replied.
The fire-fighter looked a little closer and noticed that the girl had tied the wagon to
her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles!‘Little partner,’ the fire-fighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster. ‘The little girl replied thoughtfully,
‘You’re probably right…. but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’
February 10, 2011 at 7:30 pm #106671The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.”
“The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did.”
Wife increasingly agitated:
“Oh he did, did he???”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife: really boiling now and through gritted teeth, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora…….The gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
February 13, 2011 at 9:53 am #106672A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day he took off his clothes and started to
wander around the area.A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man
immediately got an erection.The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and
asked, ‘did you call for me?’The man replied, ‘No, what do you mean?’
She said, ‘You must be new here. Let me explain.
It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies
you called for me.’Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool,
laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily
let him have his way with her.Later, the man continued to explore the colony’s facilities.
He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.
Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the
steam room toward him.‘Did you call for me?’ asked the hairy man.
‘No, what do you mean?’ replied the newcomer.
‘You must be new.’ answered the hairy man, ‘It’s a rule
that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.’The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a
bench and had his way with the newcomer.The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where
he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, ‘May I
help you?’ she asked.‘Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back
and you can keep the $500 membership fee.’‘But, Sir,’ she replied, ‘you’ve only been here a few hours.
You haven’t had a chance to see all our facilities.’‘Listen lady, I’m 68 years old. I only get an erection once
a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I’m outta here.’February 13, 2011 at 11:47 am #196778A Gorgeous young 25 year old women and an 85 year old man get married.
The women decides that due to his age she didnt want to have him die on her during their marital consumation and they are to have two seperate bed rooms. Fine the old Geeza thought,happy with that.
They get married have the reception and everything and eventually make their way back to the Hotel. The womwn goes to her room and the man to his.
about 1/2 an hour later the women hears the expected knock on the door. They get into it for about 40 minutes and they both reach the big “o” several times. The ol boy gets up then goes back to his room.
about 1/2 an hour later there is another knock on the door,the old boy lets himself in again and has his way with his new bride again performing like a stud, after about 40 minutes he finishes then heads back to his own room.
about another 1/2 an hour later the ol boy again knocks on the door and has his wicked ways with his bride. The brides head was still spinning from the two previous encounters,The groom makes his young nubile bride reach the big “o” again several times before finishing. As he gets up to go the bride grabs hold of his arm and says you are amazing,I have been with guys 1/3 of your age and they have not performed any where near as good as the 3 visits that you have been! The old fella looks at her bemused and says what? have I been here tonight aleady!!:laugh: :laugh:February 15, 2011 at 11:40 am #196629Love this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3NrLgfp_4w&feature=player_embedded
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
February 15, 2011 at 10:53 pm #196628Just had the best laugh of my life in ‘Spotlight’… A little Muslim kid went up to a pair of black curtains and shouted “MUM!”
February 16, 2011 at 12:34 pm #106673Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for ‘normal’ people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder……
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?’Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there… I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s bum.’
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on…….
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
February 16, 2011 at 3:26 pm #106674The teacher, Miss Figpot, asks the class to name things that end with ‘tor’ that eats things.
First little Mary says,
“Alligator.”
“Very good says Miss Figpot, that’s a big word.”Then little Susie says,
“Predator.”
“Yes, that’s another big word. Well done.”Then little Johnny says,
“Vibrator” Miss Figpot.After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
“That is a big word, but it doesn’t eat anything.”
“Well my sister has one and she says it eats f– king batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”
February 16, 2011 at 4:14 pm #196928A woman goes to the Doctor, with bruises on her face.
The Doctor asks: “What happened?”
The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around.”
The Doctor says: “I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep.”Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn’t touch me!
How does the water do that?”
The Doctor says: “The water does fuck all…it’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick….”February 16, 2011 at 4:41 pm #196931An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the
PilbaraOn their way to Karajini he was describing the abilities of the
Australian
Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the
sea.The Americans were incredulous.
Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered,
lying in the
middle of the road, an Aborigine..
He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held
high in the airThe tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the
prostrate Aborigine.“Jacky,” said the tour guide,”what are you tracking and what are you
listening for?”
The aborigine replied,“Down the road about twenny pive miles is a 1971 Baliant Ute. It’s a
red one.. The left pront tyre is bald.The pront end
is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel..
There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.
There are tree kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the pront seat.”
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and
detailed knowledge.“God man, how do you know all that?,” asked one.
The Aborigine replied……… I pell out off the pucken thing about
half an hour ago!”.February 16, 2011 at 5:01 pm #106675Jeffro, that’s a FN cracker
February 16, 2011 at 10:22 pm #196933Missus is pissed off with me again,
last night while she was asleep I swapped her tampon for a party popper,
No sense of fucking humour! -
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