Jokes

[Mick DMember]

Boony wrote:

Missus is pissed off with me again,
last night while she was asleep I swapped her tampon for a party popper,
No sense of fucking humour!

:laugh: :unsure: :huh: :ohmy: :sick:

[glennMember]

Duties of Wives…

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Greece .

He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Italy ..
He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Australian girl.

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

God bless
Australian Women

[Matt BakerMember]

whats gray and comes in buckets?

an elephant

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

A boy turns up at school with his cat peeping out of his bag. His teacher is very puzzled & asks Tommy what is your cat doing at school today. Tommy says “I heard the postman telling mum when your kids go to school I’m going to eat your pussy! So I wasn’t taking any fucking chances..”

[Jeffrey SmithMember]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on
the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in
Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side
on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

“At this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection” said the nurse.

“I haven’t got an erection” said the man.

“No, but I have” replied the nurse.

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

A little boy who’s 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened dead frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of “a house of ill repute” and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, “I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I’m not leaving until I get it.”
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, “Do any of the girls have any diseases?”
Of course the Madam said “No”.

He said, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT’S the girl I want.”

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the
Squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, “Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?”
He said, “Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he’ll give her one in the car and he’ll catch it.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter’s, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, ! The Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease.

And he’s the bastard who ran over my frog!

[DamienMember]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time…..

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.

He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin… 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it…

I thought to myself, these blokes have lost the plot!!

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.

Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast ‘The Flintstones’.

A spokesman for the channel said….’A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,

but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.’

My son’s been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!

B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. “Morning.” I said.

“No” he replied, “just having a sh*t.”

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, ‘I want something waterproof and shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

So I bought her some bathroom scales.

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if i’d like to wind it….

I thought that was a bit harsh so i gave it a dead leg instead.

Saw my mate outside the Doctor’s today looking really worried.

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“I’ve got the big C,”he said.

“What, cancer?”

“No, dyslexia.”

I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay.

He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn’t what he was expecting.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.

The birds love it!

The Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, has announced that she intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.

From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’.

Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACV van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ –

I thought, ‘What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?’

[simon burkeMember]

The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. 5’9′ tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.
No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another
bar stool up close to me and sitting down.
She said ‘Hi’, and I said ‘Hi’ in return.
She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect
inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
‘So, does that make you feel good ?’ she asked. ‘I’ll bet you feel good,’ she continued. ‘In fact, I’ll bet you’ve never felt this good before.’
‘Well, I have,’ I corrected her. ‘You see, when I was 18, I was
picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in
front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.’
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she
would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up
the front of her top.
Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her
pert, perfect breast. ‘How do you feel now,’ she purred.
‘OK’ I replied.
Again, she said, ‘I’ll bet you do. In fact, I’ll bet you’ve never
felt THIS good before!’
Unbelievably I heard myself saying ‘Well, actually I have. In that
game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the
match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the
field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the
first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst
through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and
scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds ’till
full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple
kick at goal with which to win the match and…….. ‘
“Ahhh….” she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit
miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the
front of her skirt.
My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and
she was wet !!!!
She snapped, ‘Well tell me this, Smart Ass : Have you ever felt such
a c**t?’
‘I certainly have’ I answered, ‘I missed the kick’.

[Peter HornMember]

Nice one ….

[Peter HornMember]

Absolute GOLD Jeffro!!

[BrettMember]

BaHaHaHa!!!!!
GOLD!!!!

[Nick JacksonMember]

2gays Rupert + Cecil r lying in bed 2gether.Rupert starts rubbing vaseline in his chest.Cecil said wot u doing?Rupert said i read that vaseline stimulates hair growth,I want a hairy chest Cecil said,dont b fuckin stupid,if that was true id have a ponytail sticking out of my arse

[Nick JacksonMember]

Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said “it’s my husband! Quick try the back door!” ……….

thinking back I should have really legged it, but you don’t get invites like that every day

[Nick JacksonMember]

I was in the pub with the Mrs last night and I said ” I love you “.

She said ” Is that you or the beer talking ?”

I replied ” It’s me , talking to the beer “

[Nick JacksonMember]

A boy turns up at school with his cat peeping out of his bag. His teacher is very puzzled & asks Tommy what is your cat doing at school today.
Tommy says I heard the postman telling mum when your kids go to school I’m going to eat your pussy!

The bastard was chinese so I wasn’t taking any fucking chances..

[Author]

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