Jokes

[Nick JacksonMember]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different every week so he did the same tricks over and over. One problem was that the captains parrot saw these shows every week and caught on to the magicians act and he started to yell out during the shows “look, its not the same hat, he’s hiding the flowers under the table or hey, why are all the cards the same. The magician was furious but couldnt do anything because it was the captains parrot. Then one stormy night the ship sank drowning almost everyone except for the magician and the parrot, they clung to a piece of wood and stared at each other with hatred for days not talking to each other and then finally on the fourth day the parrot says “ok, i give up, where’s the fuckin ship.

[Aaron WildeMember]

The joke thread is always worth a look if Nickj has been posting. Brilliant mate !:laugh:

[drewMember]

some 1st year physicist students are in deep discussion.
a professor goes to see what they are talking about.

they were discussing what was fastest by the speed it is accomplished in.

the 1st student said a wink is fast, it is over just after it begins, the 2nd interjects that a blink is faster as it’s a natural process that requires no thought process. the 3rd says well a thought is faster, there is no delay between the thought and the body’s reaction.

the 4th says that electricity is fast, albeit tongue in cheek, as you flick the switch and the light goes on instantaneously.

the long time professor says “here is some thing for you to consider, diarrhea is faster than all you have mentioned”.

the students in amazement and bemusement ask how can that be so?!?!

the professor replies that suffering a bout of diarrhea just a couple of days ago, “before i could wink, blink, think or turn the light on i had shat myself”.

:pinch:

[glennMember]

Blonde was gunna jump off the hardour bridge, a sailor sees her and says dont do it, i`ll stow you away on my ship and you can start a new life in the USA,
3 weeks later she is found by the captain! he asks , what are you doing living in one of my life boats, the blonde replies, one of your sailors stowed me away and he brings me 3 meals a day , and to repay him I let him fuck me every night, The captian replies, his fucked you alright !!!!! This is the manly ferry. :woohoo: :whistle:

[DeanMember]

Q whats the difference between a Dwarf and a Midget??

A very little! :laugh:

Q what do you call a cow with two legs?

A Lean meat :laugh:

Q what do call a cow with no legs?

A Ground Beef :woohoo:

Q whats Green and hangs out of tree’s

A Girraffe snot!!:laugh:

Q where would you find a womens clitoris?

A who cares!!:laugh: :laugh:

Ollie

[Nick JacksonMember]

A GREEK couple were lying in bed one night when the Husband says we should go back to Greece , Wife says why, what’s wrong with Vaseoline?!

[Nick JacksonMember]

How much cocaine did charlie Sheen take?

Enough to kill two & a half men……

[Nick JacksonMember]

Man gets a call from police telling him his house was robbed. They drank his beer and raped his wife.
A moment of silence pass then he said, i can’t believe they fucked my wife after only 5 cans

[Nick JacksonMember]

Wife treats hubby by taking him 2 a lapdance club for his b.day. Doorman says, ok Jim how’s tricks?
Wife asks, how does he know u? Jim says, oh er, I play footy with him.
Inside, the barman says, usual Jim?
Jim says, before u say anything, he’s on the darts team in my local. Next a lapdancer says Hi Jim, d’ya want the special again?
Wife storms out draggin Jim with her & jumps in a taxi.
Driver says blimey Jim u’ve pulled an ugly fucker this time!

[alanMember]

😆 😆 😆 :silly: 😆

[ChrisMember]

Not sure if it has been posted but here goes…

:laugh: :silly: :laugh: :silly: :laugh:

Religion Explained

Confucianism: Confucius say “Shit happens.”

Buddhism: Shit happening is an illusion

Islam: Shit happening is the will of Allah.

Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism: This shit has happened before.

Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?

Calvinism: Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.

Christian Science: If shit happens, pray and it will go away.

Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.

Atheism: Shit happens for no reason.

Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.

Hare Krishna: Shit happens, shit happens, shit happens…

Stoicism: Shit happens. I can take it.

Jehovah’s Witnesses: Let us in and we’ll tell you why shit happens.

Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this shit and see what happens.

[Mick DMember]

Good one Krusty!!! Had everyone in my office laughing.

A good one for the 1000th post in this thread!!

[ChrisMember]

micknmeld wrote:

Good one Krusty!!! Had everyone in my office laughing.

A good one for the 1000th post in this thread!!

Glad I could be of help.. :laugh:

I’m inclined to the Rastafarianism way.. :laugh: :laugh:

[Nick JacksonMember]

A little kid looked at his testicles when he was having a bath.” mum,” he asked, ” are these my brains?”
” not yet,” she replied.

Who’s the most popular man in the nudist colony?
The bloke who can carry two coffees and ten doughnuts..

[Todd JacksonMember]

Honda Mechanics

Mechanic vs Doctor

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Honda XR600 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the XR. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

“So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how can I make $45k a year (Remember he’s a Honda mechanic ), a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, $500K when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic…

”Try doing it with the engine running.”

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