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March 21, 2011 at 12:52 am #106681
the Tamworth Tavern had a publican from inner Sydney take over the free hold.
in an attempt to raise the profile of the pub and generate some new interest, he thought he would hold a competition.
the Tavern had a Donkey as a mascot, so the new publican offered a month’s free drinks to the patron that could make the donkey laugh.
all the regulars tried their hardest to no avail.
boony walks over and whispers into the donkey ear, and the donkey instantly brakes into hysterics.
at the end of the months complementary drinks, publican is eager to find out what boony said to the donkey.
boony informs him that he told the donkey he was endowed greater than the donkey.
the publican was so impressed by the influx of patronage due to the competition he decides to hold another.
this time the months free drinks would go the the 1st patron that makes the donkey cry.
everyone throws their best insults at the donkey unsuccessfully.
however boony had one request, that he be in private with the donkey for a moment. the publican agrees. boony leads the donkey out to the back bar, and a moment later the donkey cries and runs out to the publican sobbing.
angrily assuming boony injured the donkey, he insist that boony tell him exactly what he did to the donkey.
boony stated that he won the 1st competition by telling the donkey he was better hung. the publican says ‘ yes i remember, but that has nothing with you making the donkey cry!’.
‘what did you do to my donkey!?!’ he demanded.
boony said ‘all i did was simply showed him that i was.’
.:S
March 22, 2011 at 8:55 am #106682Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many
will you have?Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and
another 2, how many will you have?Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will
you have?Johnny: Seven!!!
A very angry Teacher: Where the f*ck do you get seven from?!?!?
Very angry Johnny: Because I’ve already got a f*ckin’ cat at home!!!
March 24, 2011 at 5:17 pm #198616STOP CHOKING – AUSSIE STYLE
A woman, sitting in an Adelaide pub, suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds, it became clear she was in real distress and two
locals, Bluey and Bazza, sitting at the next table, turned to look at her.Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signalled ‘No!’, by desperately shaking her head.
Ken ya breathe?’ asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her bum.This outrage shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his pint of emu export .Bazza said in admiration ‘Ya know Bluey, I’d heard
of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that’s the first time I ever seen somebody do it.March 24, 2011 at 5:36 pm #198742WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES?
A WHITE GUY IS WALKING ALONG A BEACH WHEN HE COMES ACROSS A LAMP PARTIALLY BURIED IN THE SAND. HE PICKS UP THE LAMP AND GIVES IT A RUB.
TWO BLONDE GENIES APPEAR, AND THEY TELL HIM HE HAS BEEN GRANTED THREE WISHES.
THE GUY MAKES HIS THREE WISHES AND THE BLONDE GENIES DISAPPEAR.
THE NEXT THING THE GUY KNOWS, HE’S IN A BEDROOM, IN A GOLF-COURSE MANSION, SURROUNDED BY 50 BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
AFTER HE MAKES LOVE TO ALL OF THEM, HE BEGINS TO EXPLORE THIS FABULOUS HOUSE.
SUDDENLY HE FEELS SOMETHING SOFT UNDER HIS FEET, HE LOOKS DOWN AND THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN $100 BILLS.
THEN, THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
HE ANSWERS IT AND STANDING THERE ARE TWO PERSONS DRESSED IN KU KLUX KLAN OUTFITS. THEY DRAG HIM OUTSIDE TO THE NEAREST TREE, THROW A ROPE OVER A LIMB AND HANG HIM BY THE NECK UNTIL HE’S DEAD.
AS THE KLANSMEN ARE WALKING AWAY, THEY REMOVE THEIR HOODS. IT’S THE TWO BLONDE GENIES.
ONE BLONDE GENIE SAYS TO THE OTHER ONE, ‘I CAN UNDERSTAND THE FIRST WISH HAVING ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN A BIG MANSION TO MAKE LOVE TO.
I CAN ALSO UNDERSTAND HIM WANTING TO BE A MILLIONAIRE.
BUT WHY HE WANTED TO BE HUNG LIKE A BLACK GUY IS BEYOND ME.’
March 24, 2011 at 8:52 pm #198744The reverse side of Dusty`s joke is…
A black fella is walkn along the beach ,,,kicks a bottle and picks it up and gives it a rub,,,POOOOOF ( like menace) this geanie appears and grants him 3 wishes, The black fella said ,,I want to be ,white, uptight , and outasite, so the geanie turns him into a tampon
March 27, 2011 at 9:15 pm #198747The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, ‘This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’ The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?’
She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old mini-van with two flat tires…..Two elderly gentlemen
from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’…….Couple in their nineties
are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure..’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast ?’….Two hillbilly’s were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the first hillbilly says to the second, ‘If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?’
The second hillybilly cocked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, ‘Well, I don’t know about related, but it sure would make us even.’
March 28, 2011 at 12:16 am #198840Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, “I love you.”
She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It’s me … talking to the beer
March 28, 2011 at 12:18 am #198863A man was out driving in his car when all of a sudden a rooster ran out in
front of his car, he tried to miss it but unfortunately he ran over the
rooster and killed it.He decided that he should go and tell the farmer, so he got out of his car
and walked across the road to the farm, walked up to the front door and
knocked. The farmer came to the door and the man said “I’m afraid I’ve
killed your rooster, please let me replace him”.The farmer said “Help yourself, the hens are out in the back”.
March 28, 2011 at 12:19 am #198864A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole.
He asks his Scottish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his
poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:“There’s a piece of sh*t on the end of your driver.”
The Golfer picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the
caddy says: “No, the other end.”March 28, 2011 at 6:03 pm #106683“Whatever you give a woman, she will make it greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her a bit of crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.”March 28, 2011 at 6:06 pm #106684Male Cycle
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
March 31, 2011 at 12:29 am #198905Top Ten Country & Western Songs.
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me
7. I’ve Missed You, But My Aim’s Improvin’
6. Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dogfight ‘Cause I’m Scared She’d Win
5. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like You’re Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3.. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She’s Lookin’ Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is…
1. It’s Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
April 10, 2011 at 10:01 pm #199019NEVER ASSUME MEN UNDERSTAND
A wife had been in a coma for months and suddenly when the nurses were washing her private parts they noticed the heart monitor change. So they told the husband that a little oral sex might bring her round. They drew the curtains but after a few minutes her monitor flatlined – no pulse no heartbeat.
The nurses asked him what happened and he replied, “I think she choked.”April 10, 2011 at 10:03 pm #199310My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said, “Son! That’s three schools this year. You should stop this immediatley or they will ban you from teaching altogether”.
April 10, 2011 at 10:04 pm #199311My dad told me he was sick of getting socks for his birthday. I told him to settle its was about the thought. The look he gave me was scary, and I knew he’d kick my head in………
If he had legs.!!!
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