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April 11, 2011 at 1:27 pm #199312
I FOUND MY DYSLEXIC MATE COVERING HIS PENIS WITH BOOT POLISH IN THE EARLY HOURS OF SUNDAY MORNING.
I SAID
“ YOU IDIOT, YOUR SUPPOSED TO TURN YOUR CLOCK BACK!”
Ollie :laugh:
April 14, 2011 at 12:46 am #199326Phone rings,
woman answers,
pervert breaths ‘have you got a tight bald c#%t’?
woman replies ‘yes hes on the couch, who shall i say is calling?
April 14, 2011 at 1:23 pm #1994172 blokes walk into a bar………
you’d have thought the second bloke would duck
April 14, 2011 at 11:44 pm #199449A man kills a deer and takes it home for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates so begged their dad for a clue.
Well, the father said, “its what mummy calls me sometimes.The little girl screams in horror……Don’t eat it …..its a fucking arsehole!
April 17, 2011 at 4:44 pm #199450A guy comes home to his wife one evening with a big bunch of flowers and she says I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days.
The husband says Why? Don’t you have any vases?
April 17, 2011 at 5:50 pm #199654A recent study found that many women develop ‘Hoover’s Disease’ after a year of marriage.
They make a continuous fucking whining noise and don’t suck anymore! :dry: :ohmy:April 19, 2011 at 2:14 pm #199655An Irish woman living in Tamworth visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’.
It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’
It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, to be sure T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’
‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor.
‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye.! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!
It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’
‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor,’ Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’
‘Oh My!, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 20 years!
But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Mc Caffe again.
April 20, 2011 at 11:31 am #199757I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection…but she did.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.F**k me, talk about Dyson with death.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says,” Dave, that’s one of the nicest most respectful things I’ve ever seen. ” Dave replies,” Well we were married for nearly 20 years ”
Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador . “f**k that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind”
Man calls 999 and says “I think my wife is dead.” The operator says ” how do you know”? He says “The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*n*s she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg”
I’ve just had a letter back from Screw fix. They said they regretted to inform me that they’re not actually a dating agency.
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*n*s enlarger. Just opened it and some bastard’s sent me a magnifying glass!
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor – she only had £1.20 in her purse.My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid…….then I was petrified.
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.
An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden? She says “yes I have, and I’ve been table ended and backskuttled a few times too!”
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change Dentists?
A wife says to her husband “you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says “what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair. ”
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said ” I would like to come back as a cow.” ” I said you’re obviously not f–k–g listening.”
Under new E.U. law the word “gypo” is no longer politically correct. They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travellers) or C.*.N.T.S. for short.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Hi mate I don’t want you to panic but I’m texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn’t what I thought it was.April 22, 2011 at 9:08 pm #199786They have run out of body bags in Japan after the tsunami so they are putting the dead into bottles
You get 22 nips in a bottle
April 26, 2011 at 12:28 pm #106685A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said,
“Do you want to talk?
Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger,
“What would you want to talk about?”“Oh, I don’t know,” said the congressman. “How about global warming,
universal health care, or stimulus packages?” as he smiled smugly.“OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says,
“Hmmm, I have no idea.”To which the little girl replies,
“Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care,
or the economy, when you don’t know shit?”And then she went back to reading her book.
April 26, 2011 at 7:54 pm #200089Bought my son an iPad, my daughter an iPod. The wife got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon.
She wasn’t overjoyed even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook, iClean network.
This opened the iNag reminder service which totally wiped out the iShag function.April 29, 2011 at 8:45 pm #200116Things that are difficult to say when drunk:
1. innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. SuccessionThings that are VERY difficult to say when drunk:
1. Specificity
2. Repricosity
3. Omnipotent
4. TransubstantiateThings that are damn well IMPOSSIBLE to say when drunk:
1. No thankyou, I’m married
2. Nope, no more booze for me
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type
4. No, I don’t want to see your pussy
5. No, my cocks fine
as it is. You don’t need to suck it
6. No, please don’t sit on my face, I have asthmaApril 30, 2011 at 12:10 am #199918LC4skin wrote:They have run out of body bags in Japan after the tsunami so they are putting the dead into bottlesYou get 22 nips in a bottle
what a load of rubbish LC, haven’t you hear the song, “the nips are getting bigger”.?
.:pinch:
.:whistle: 👿
April 30, 2011 at 6:43 pm #200358A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as it comes home, it rushes and screws all the 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed.
At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.
Farmer gets tense now. Next day, he finds the cock screwing the ducks and the geese.
Later, the farmer finds the cock pale, half-dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says, “You deserved it, you horny bastard!”
The cock opens one eye,and says, “Ssshhh. They’re about to land.May 1, 2011 at 11:15 pm #200373R.I.P Osama bin laden.
World hide and seek champion (2001-2011)
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