Jokes

[Nick JacksonMember]

did you hear Elton John is performing at Osama Bin Laden’s funeral… he’ll be singing one if his classics…
‘sandals in the bin’

[Nick JacksonMember]

In the wake of bin laden’s death, Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bankstown and Lakemba killing anyone who’s Australian. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 2.

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

It is well known that humour is regional. Truly a Queenslander:
At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.
When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, “I’ll have a Tooheys New.”
The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, “Make mine a VB.”

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, “I’ll have a Coopers, the King of Beers.”

And the bloke from Cascade asked for “a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet.”

The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order: “I’ll have a Diet Coke.”
The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.

“Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren’t drinking beer, then neither will I.”

[Mick DMember]

A midget bogan chick goes into the doctor.

“My pussy itches”, she complains.

The doctor goes up under her dress, she hears a “snip, snip, snip” but doesn’t feel anything.

Doctor says, “walk around and see if that is better”.

“Fantastic Doc, what the f@#k did ya do? It’s been driving me mad for weeks”.

“I cut the top off your ugg boots”.

[Nick JacksonMember]

Just got back from the Blind Masturbation World Championships.

I’ve got no idea where I came!!

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

God visited a man and told him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex
if he wants to get into heaven…..
The man said he would try his best.
God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.
“Not bad” said the man, “I’ve given up smoking and drinking but when the
wife bent over the lounge suite
and I caught sight of her long slender legs, I pull her skirt up, pulled
her knickers to one side and gave her one right there “.
“They don’t like that in heaven”, said God…
The man replied “They’re not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!”

[Nick JacksonMember]

I was in Macdonald’s recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my fart with the beat of the music..
After a couple of farts, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me….

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. …….. :ohmy:

[drewMember]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has Been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words That were used to put the curse on you.’

The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’.

[DeanMember]

Sat on the train this morning opposite a very attractive Thai chick wearing a short skirt, i thought to myself don’t get a stiffie don’t get a stiffie, but she did :whistle:

Ollie :laugh:

[Jeffrey SmithMember]

Trailboss wrote:

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection…but she did.  
 
.

Sorry Ollie but no prizes for second place mate

[MalMember]

Confessional Box

A guy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church for quite a while.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits down.
There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies, who appear to have mislaid their garments. He hears a priest come in:
“Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be”.
To which the priest replies… “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side”.

[Nick JacksonMember]

Little boy asks dad “What’s between mum’s legs?” Father answers “Paradise, my son.”
Kid asks again “What’s between your legs?” Father replies
“The key to paradise!”
The son says “Piece of advice dad, change the lock, the bloke next doors got a spare key!”

[Nick JacksonMember]

Its tough getin old! An old man goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along, when the doctor enters the examination room he says “i will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample”. The man being hard of hearing turns to his wife and asks “wot did he say”the wife yells back “give him your underpants”

[Nick JacksonMember]

After years of investigations into 9/11, the Americans found it wasn’t muslim terrorists who attacked the twin towers, it was 2 irish builders fitting a door on the 44th floor. The door wouldn’t fit so mick told paddy to fetch a plane & take a bit off the top.

[Nick JacksonMember]

Woman say’s to her husband. “You only ever want sex when you’re pissed.” Bloke say’s “That’s not true. Sometimes I want a kebab…”

[Author]

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