Jokes

[drewMember]

A Kiwi walks into the local unemployment office, marches straight up to the counter and says, “Hi! I hate being on welfare, I’d really rather have a job.”

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You’ll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year”.

The Kiwi says, “You’re bull****ting me!”

The Centrelink officer says, “Yeah, well, you started it”.

[Nick JacksonMember]

Native American Red Indian introduced me to his wife.”This is four horses.” I say “That’s a beautiful name. Whats it mean..”? He said “Fuckin nag,nag,nag,nag!

[Nick JacksonMember]

Woman in taxi lifts her skirt & says to driver Can i pay you with this? The cabbi looks at her pussy & says Fuck me luv
havn’t u got anythin smaller.

[Nick JacksonMember]

What do you see when you look directly into a blondes eyes?

The back of her head.

[Nick JacksonMember]

I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and I said ” you remind me of my little toe” she said ” is that because I’m small and cute ” I replied ” no because I’ll probably end up banging you on the coffee table”

[simon burkeMember]

BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet,but she didn’t want to spend a fortune.

‘Well,’ said the clerk, ‘I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it’s been trained to give blow jobs!’

‘Blow jobs!’ the woman replied.

‘It hasn’t been proven but we’ve sold 30 of them
this month,’ he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift,
and what if it’s true…

No more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy’s ability to her husband,
he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off! …

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may
never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the
noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making
hellacious banging and crashing sounds..

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her
husband and the frog reading cook books.

‘What are you two doing at this hour?’ she asked.

The husband replied,

‘If I can teach this frog to cook……….you’re gone.’

[Nick JacksonMember]

Coles installed a medical machine that for $10 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. When Jim went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read
“You have a sprained elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks”
Impressed, Jim wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tapwater with dog poo, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture. When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read:
1. Your tapwater is too hard. Use softener.
2.Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3.Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4.Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5.If you keep playing with yourself, your elbow wont get better!

Thank you for shopping at Coles.

[Nick JacksonMember]

5000 men surveyed were asked why they like blowjob’s.
1 % liked the warmth.
2 % liked the sensation.
3 % liked the eroticism.
94 % just liked the peace & quiet!

[Nick JacksonMember]

Took my inflatable doll back to the shop today because it seemed to have developed feelings and started crying after we had sex. The lady said it hadn’t developed feelings, it just needed emptying.

[AlexMember]

Ohhhh maaaaan

[Nick JacksonMember]

I couldn’t find that fucking thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes so I asked the kids if they’d seen it. Apparently she left me yesterday?

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

Grandma’s Oranges

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside
and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu’s grandma came by.

Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the
police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for
some.

“Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,”
Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all
the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and
exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old
girl?”

Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out,
rip the skin back and suck em’ dry.”

The policeman fainted.

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with ‘tor’ that eat things.

The first little boy says, “Alligator.”

“Very good, that’s a big word.”

The second boy says, “Predator..”

“Yes, that’s another big word. Well done.”

Little Johnny says, “Vibrator, Miss.”

After nearly falling off her chair, she says,

“That is a big word, but it doesn’t eat anything.”

“Well my sister has one and she says it eats f*cking batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”
________________________________________

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vm03Dgu_yXA&feature=player_embedded

Check this out

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

Boy and girl just had sex. Girl: Ever met someone as hot as me in bed ? Boy: Uhmm…Yeah just the one. Girl: Ohh… Boy: Yeah she’s got the same hair colour as you also. Girl: Hmmm Boy: Same surname. Lives at this address as well and Looks a lot like you! Girl: Is that so Boy: Yeah your mum’s awesome.

[Author]

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