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July 13, 2011 at 10:10 am #204479
The Mrs has just bought a pair of Meatloaf knickers…
On the front it says,”I will do anything for love”…
On the back it says,”But I Won’t Do That!”
July 16, 2011 at 11:33 pm #204816Three Kiwi’s in a pub; John, David & Hemi are talking. John says, “Women are so stupid. My wife has just bought a car and she can’t even drive!”. David says: “That’s nothing. My wife’s on a diet & she’s not fat”. Hemi says: “That’s fuck all. My wife’s taken 30 condoms on a cruise & she hasn’t even got a fuckin cock!”.
July 16, 2011 at 11:36 pm #204995Nickj wrote:Three Kiwi’s in a pub; John, David & Hemi are talking. John says, “Women are so stupid. My wife has just bought a car and she can’t even drive!”. David says: “That’s nothing. My wife’s on a diet & she’s not fat”. Hemi says: “That’s fuck all. My wife’s taken 30 condoms on a cruise & she hasn’t even got a fuckin cock!”.:laugh: :laugh:
July 16, 2011 at 11:38 pm #204463OWL 02 wrote:Funny Gaz I hadn’t noticed it before :laugh:
July 17, 2011 at 4:00 am #204996a pron star looses his abilities, so he goes to Centrelink. he lands a job with the local servo.
2 days later he is back. the Clerk asked why he was sacked after only on day.
so she calls the servo. and asks “was he rude?
servo owner: “no he was polite and pleasant to everyone.”
clerk: “oh was he lazy? “
servo owner: ” no he started 5min early and and finished 5min after closing, he was on the go all day. looking for things to do while there were no customers.”
clerk: Well why was he dismissed after only one day?
servo owner “he has a real bad habit”
the clerk in a questioning tone inquired: “and what ‘bad habit’ could be enough to outweigh such a willing, helpful, working attitude ??”.
the servo owner answered: ” when filling a car, before the tank was full, he would pull the nozzle out and spray fuel all over the windscreen…….”
July 17, 2011 at 3:18 pm #106698FLAWLESSLY LOGICAL
The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is…The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other wanker using my stuff.”She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another wanker?”
July 17, 2011 at 3:19 pm #106699Rosie had been on the “game” for years.
On her wedding night, she was worried about the size of her fanny, and decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence.After an hour in bed with her,
he asked “How far across the f******g field were you before you realised it was caught”July 17, 2011 at 5:04 pm #205023OWL 02 wrote:Rosie had been on the “game” for years.
On her wedding night, she was worried about the size of her fanny, and decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence.After an hour in bed with her,
he asked “How far across the f******g field were you before you realised it was caught”:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Best joke I’ve heard in a long time Gaz 😆 😆 gold
July 18, 2011 at 3:12 am #107214A Woman is having a party and she needs a theme, so she decided on an emtion party.
The woman finishes setting up the house and the doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a bloke standing there in red clothing. She asks, what are you meant to be? He replies red with rage.
The woman lets him in and a minute later the doorbell rings again. She opens the door to find a bloke standing there in green clothing. Once again she asks, What are you meant to be? He replies, oh im green with envy.
The woman lets the second bloke in. 10 minutes later the doorbell rings and she opens the door, suprised to find to indian blokes, one with a pear on his dick and the other with his cock in a bowl of custard. She asks these 2, what emtions are you too sick fucks meant to be?
The indian fella with the bowl answers, “well im am fucking disgustard and he is deep in despair”.
July 18, 2011 at 9:47 pm #205072Sometime this year, we the Australian taxpayers, may again receive another
‘Economic Stimulus’ payment.This is indeed a very exciting program, and I’ll explain it by
using a Q & A format:Q. What is an ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set,
thus stimulating the economy.Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Aust. Economy by
spending
your stimulus cheque wisely:If you spend the stimulus money at Coles, the money will go to China or
Sri
Lanka.If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and
Guatemala.If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management
bonuses
and they will hide it offshore.Instead, keep the money in Australia by:
1) Spending it at garage sales.
2) Going to the footy.
3) Spending it on prostitutes or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only Australian businesses still operating in Australia )
Conclusion:
Go to a footy game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a garage-sale
and
drink beer all day !No need to thank me, I’m just glad I could be of help.
July 19, 2011 at 10:12 pm #205106what do you call a blonde woman with tattoos?
a scenic route.July 21, 2011 at 6:06 pm #106700I have just been sacked from my new job in the Wines
and Spirits section At Woolworths.
Well a Muslim man came in and asked if I could recommend a good port.
I said
“Try Kuwait …… Now F#&K off”
July 21, 2011 at 8:08 pm #205268Ted buys a harley. The salesmen tells him, “whenever it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome so it won’t rust.” And he hands Ted a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. So they take the bike. But just before they go in, She says: “I have to tell you When we eat, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.” “Okay”, he says. They sit down and no one says a word. As dinner goes on, Ted decides to test the situation. So he reaches over and grabs her boob. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, rips her clothes off, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. But no one says a word. So he grabs the Mum, bends her over the table and nails her, then sits down But still, Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Ted remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket… Suddenly the father shouts: “I’ll DO the FUCKIN’ dishes!”
July 21, 2011 at 8:10 pm #205269I was walking in london & it started raining.
I took shelter in a peekaboo sex shop! I paid $50 & was confronted by 3 doors reading blonde, brunette or black!
I chose blonde only 2 be confronted by more doors reading small tits, medium tits or big tits!
I chose big tits only 2 be confronted by yet more doors! they read small c#^¥, large c#^¥ or wet c#^¥!
I chose wet c#^¥ & found myself back outside in the fucking rainJuly 21, 2011 at 8:38 pm #106701Medical distinction between Guts and Balls
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’
BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your sleeping wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: ‘You’re next, Chubby.’
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
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