Jokes

[Mick DMember]

This guy would fit in at the Friday night shed parties well. It appears that he likes a ciggie or two. Worth the time to watch.

[Dwayne OMember]

:laugh:
How the hell did he not choke on all those ciggies :whistle:

Weirdo :laugh:

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

5 year old’s first job
Here’s a truly heart warming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.

One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the
empty lot.
The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who
suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank
the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mum got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay envelope at
such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real
construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will, if those pricks at Bunnings ever deliver
the fuckin’ gyprock…”

Kind of brings a tear to the eye – doesn’t it?

[drewMember]

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk,

but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.. :huh:

[Nick JacksonMember]

A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick.
An ugly woman is passing and remarks: “If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady!”
He replied: “If you were any sort of a lady, the hat would lift itself!”

[Nick JacksonMember]

My mate asked me the other day, ‘ what ring tone do you have? ‘ i said ‘ dont know, never really checked ! But i imagine it’s a light brown. ‘

[GregMember]

Abbot looked at Gillard, chuckled and said, “You know, I could throw a $1,000 note out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.” Gillard shrugged her shoulders and replied, “I could throw ten $100 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy”. Hearing their exchange, the pilot of the plane said to his co-pilot,”Such big shots back there. I could throw both of them out of the window and make 23 million people very happy!”

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

The Government has just sent my Census form back!!

In answer to the question…’Do you have any dependants?
I PUT….
‘Asylum seekers, illegal immigrants, smack heads, unemployable drongos, 80,000 people in our 103 penal establishments, the occupants of Blaxland, Wauhope, Coffs Harbour,Tamworth to name a few and half of bloody Asia

The Australian Bureau of Statistics said this wasn’t an acceptable answer !!!

*****************************************************

[Mick DMember]

Sitting next to a shady looking character at the pub last night, I spotted he was wearing a $3000 Rolex watch.

I said “Snazzy watch mate, where did you get that?”

He replied “Got it in a running race, brudder”

I said “Really? It must have been a big race!!”

He Replied “Nah brudder, there was only three of us in the race”

Astounded, I said “only three?”

“Yeah, a Jeweller, me and a Policeman”

[Nick JacksonMember]

Just found out that if you say gullible REALLY SLOWLY, it sounds like oranges!

[MalMember]

A vampire bat came in from the night, face all covered in
fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him
about where he got it.
He told them to piss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted
until he finally gave in..
“OK, follow me”, he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of
excited bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around
him, tongues hanging out for blood.
“Do you see that large oak tree over there?” he asked.
“YES, YES, YES!!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
“Good for you!” said the bat, “Because I fucking didn’t.”

[Nick JacksonMember]

The queens ready for the riots!!

[Nick JacksonMember]

Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth.
“Nurse”
he mumbles,
“Are my testicles black?”
Nurse raises his gown, holds his dick in one hand & his balls in the other,
she takes a close look & says,
“There’s nothing wrong with them Sir.”
Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly,
“Thanks 4 that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully,
“Are-my-test-re-sults-back?”

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

Two Women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground
and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately went to apologize..
‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him..

‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put
her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.

[DeanMember]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them, was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief,
‘This is a tree.’
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, ‘Tree.’

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,
‘This is a rock.’
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, ‘Rock.’

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of Natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, ‘Man riding a bike.’

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, ‘My bike.’

OLLIE

[Author]

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