Jokes

This topic contains 487 replies, has 0 voices, and was last updated by  Adrian Snowden 9 years ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1,141 through 1,155 (of 1,694 total)
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  • #206833

    Steve
    Member

    The wife rang me screaming”You’ve given me crabs you barstard,how could you.
    I said “Hang on,before you blame me.Have a fucking word with your sister.

    #206834

    Steve
    Member

    Notice for non Australian religions
    If you are trapped in a burning building,or have been seriously injured or bleeding to death
    The new emergency number is.
    003652145988745869558889966656555555996332116654898752523669855555542223313146798968639521741852963101296358595958963223987412696285299632115848546941269426941269841269426469636954852633230000125255557789998855655556974512369885529633214478958569632154598746545633222153263698741236954159632156412554565555485660

    #206835

    Adrian Gale
    Member

    Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.

    It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.

    He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing

    with glee.

    As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

    He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

    One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

    Ron frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

    Holding the bucket up Ron said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

    …some old men can still think fast!

    #206899

    Nick Jackson
    Member

    WHAT IT IS 2 B AN AUSSIE

    ‘Hello, police?’
    ‘Yes. How can we help you?’
    ‘I’m calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He’s hiding Cocaine inside his firewood!’
    ‘Thank you very much for the call.’
    The next day, police officers descend on
    Wazza’s house in great numbers.
    They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.
    They swear at Wazza and leave.
    The phone rings at
    Wazza’s house. ‘Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?’
    ‘Yeah!’
    ‘Did they chop up your firewood?’
    ‘Yep.’
    ‘Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate

    #206911

    Nick Jackson
    Member

    Mad Mary was whizzing round the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she was stopped by crazy Carl.
    ‘licence please’ said Carl with a dribble.
    Mary sped off round the corner and bumped into loony Leon. ‘insurance please’ said Leon also dribbling.
    Off zoomed Mary again until she was stopped by donkey Dave, naked with a eight inch hard on.
    ‘Oh no’ cried Mary, ‘not the breathalyser again!’

    #206946

    Dean
    Member

    On the Commonwealth Games media coverage, I saw a sign in a cab that said: “English speaking taxi driver.”

    I thought, “What a good idea, why don’t we have them in Australia?”

    Ollie :laugh:

    #207280

    Steve
    Member

    My wife called me to the bedroom the other day
    “look what i found in the wardrobe dear ,crouchless nickers”
    she said modelling them seductively.
    I didnt have the hart to tell the fat f*#k that she had one of my singlets on

    #207334

    glenn
    Member

    Dear Dr Phil
    I was watching my neighbours daughter in the pool yesterday and whilst I was having a wank i noticed my wife standing at the bedroom door watching me..

    Is she a pervert????

    #207336

    Nick Jackson
    Member

    This is very funny …. Check it out !!!

    #207384

    Nick Jackson
    Member

    Another

    #106710

    pete
    Member

    To the bastard in the wheelchair that stole my camoflauge jacket.

    “U can hide but u cant run”

    #106711

    Alex
    Member

    Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
    tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk.

    The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts
    flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

    ”This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.”

    ”Yes, I remember him as a baby.” says the other mother cheerfully.

    “He’s a martyr now though.” the mother confides.

    “Oh, so sad dear…” says the other.

    ”And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.”

    ”Oh, I remember him,” says the other happily, ”he had such curly hair
    when he was born.”

    ”He’s a martyr too…” says the mother quietly.

    ”Oh, gracious me…” says the other.

    ”And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been
    18”, she whispers.

    “Yes,” says the friend enthusiastically, ”I remember when he first started
    school…”

    ”He’s a martyr also,” says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

    After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at
    the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

    “They blow up so fast, don’t they?”

    #207477

    glenn
    Member

    Larry Is In The Hospital . . . …..

    Who in the hell is Larry?

    Well Larry is the bloke who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says “Where the hell have you been?”
    Larry replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”

    “A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

    “I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly.

    “What the hell were you thinking”? She said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

    “Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
    And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

    Larry is in the Royal Adelaide Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233

    #106712

    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

    He orders a drink, and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

    The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.

    Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them.

    Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth,
    and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

    The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
    The guy says, “No, what?”

    “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table!

    He swallowed it whole!”

    “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy.

    “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard

    Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

    He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate then leaves.
    Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

    He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

    While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

    He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

    Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

    The bartender is disgusted.

    “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

    “No, what?” replies the guy.

    “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate em!” said the bartender.

    “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy.

    “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first.” !!!

    That’s my input to the bandwith issue. So There

    #207567

    Nick Jackson
    Member

    The things make up can do !

    17c411dc.jpg

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