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August 11, 2011 at 5:26 pm #206833
The wife rang me screaming”You’ve given me crabs you barstard,how could you.
I said “Hang on,before you blame me.Have a fucking word with your sister.August 11, 2011 at 5:33 pm #206834Notice for non Australian religions
If you are trapped in a burning building,or have been seriously injured or bleeding to death
The new emergency number is.
003652145988745869558889966656555555996332116654898752523669855555542223313146798968639521741852963101296358595958963223987412696285299632115848546941269426941269841269426469636954852633230000125255557789998855655556974512369885529633214478958569632154598746545633222153263698741236954159632156412554565555485660August 12, 2011 at 1:43 pm #206835Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
Ron frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up Ron said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
…some old men can still think fast!
August 12, 2011 at 11:09 pm #206899WHAT IT IS 2 B AN AUSSIE
‘Hello, police?’
‘Yes. How can we help you?’
‘I’m calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He’s hiding Cocaine inside his firewood!’
‘Thank you very much for the call.’
The next day, police officers descend on
Wazza’s house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.
They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at
Wazza’s house. ‘Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?’
‘Yeah!’
‘Did they chop up your firewood?’
‘Yep.’
‘Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaateAugust 13, 2011 at 7:44 pm #206911Mad Mary was whizzing round the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she was stopped by crazy Carl.
‘licence please’ said Carl with a dribble.
Mary sped off round the corner and bumped into loony Leon. ‘insurance please’ said Leon also dribbling.
Off zoomed Mary again until she was stopped by donkey Dave, naked with a eight inch hard on.
‘Oh no’ cried Mary, ‘not the breathalyser again!’August 17, 2011 at 4:49 pm #206946On the Commonwealth Games media coverage, I saw a sign in a cab that said: “English speaking taxi driver.”
I thought, “What a good idea, why don’t we have them in Australia?”
Ollie :laugh:
August 18, 2011 at 10:34 pm #207280My wife called me to the bedroom the other day
“look what i found in the wardrobe dear ,crouchless nickers”
she said modelling them seductively.
I didnt have the hart to tell the fat f*#k that she had one of my singlets onAugust 18, 2011 at 10:43 pm #207334Dear Dr Phil
I was watching my neighbours daughter in the pool yesterday and whilst I was having a wank i noticed my wife standing at the bedroom door watching me..Is she a pervert????
August 20, 2011 at 2:27 am #207336This is very funny …. Check it out !!!
August 20, 2011 at 2:30 am #207384Another
August 20, 2011 at 2:20 pm #106710To the bastard in the wheelchair that stole my camoflauge jacket.
“U can hide but u cant run”
August 21, 2011 at 1:35 pm #106711Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk.The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts
flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.”This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.”
”Yes, I remember him as a baby.” says the other mother cheerfully.
“He’s a martyr now though.” the mother confides.
“Oh, so sad dear…” says the other.
”And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.”
”Oh, I remember him,” says the other happily, ”he had such curly hair
when he was born.””He’s a martyr too…” says the mother quietly.
”Oh, gracious me…” says the other.
”And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been
18”, she whispers.“Yes,” says the friend enthusiastically, ”I remember when he first started
school…””He’s a martyr also,” says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at
the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .“They blow up so fast, don’t they?”
August 23, 2011 at 1:22 pm #207477Larry Is In The Hospital . . . …..
Who in the hell is Larry?
Well Larry is the bloke who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says “Where the hell have you been?”
Larry replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”“A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly.
“What the hell were you thinking”? She said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”
“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”Larry is in the Royal Adelaide Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233
August 23, 2011 at 5:55 pm #106712A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them.
Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth,
and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole.The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says, “No, what?”“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table!
He swallowed it whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy.
“He eats everything in sight, the little bastard
Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate then leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
“No, what?” replies the guy.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate em!” said the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy.
“He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first.” !!!
That’s my input to the bandwith issue. So There
August 24, 2011 at 3:26 pm #207567The things make up can do !
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