Jokes

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Viewing 15 posts - 1,171 through 1,185 (of 1,694 total)
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  • #208238

    Steve
    Member

    Couple was driving home the other night and ran over a possum,they got out to find it still breathing but freezing cold.
    Husband says “Put it between your legs to warm it up”
    wife replies “But its all wet and it stinks”
    Huby says”Well hold the possums fu#k*ing nose then.

    #106716

    DON CHERRY, Canadian Hockey Commentator for CBC Television,
    was asked on a local live radio talk show, what he thought about the allegations
    of torture of suspected terrorists.

    His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

    HIS STATEMENT:

    “If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner’s testicles to a car battery to get the truth
    out of the lying little camel shagger will save just one Canadian life,
    then I have only three things to say:

    ‘Red is positive, black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet.”

    #106717

    Sean Ramsay
    Member

    ‎2 drunks visit a brothel. The Madam takes a look at them and says to her manager “go put inflatable dolls in 2 bedrooms, these guys are too drunk to notice”. During the walk home one guy says ” I think my girl was dead, she never moved or made a sound”. The second guy says ” I think mine was a witch” “why do you think that?” asks the friend. “well, I bit her ass, she farted in my face and then flew out of the friggin’ window!”

    #208591

    Nick Jackson
    Member

    The class was asked to write a sentence with the word ‘contagious’. Johnny says ‘the neighbours painting the house with a 2 inch brush. Dad said it’ll take the contagious…..

    #208764

    Nick Jackson
    Member

    7 dwarfs went to meet the Pope. “Go on Dopey ask him” chanted the other 6. “Ok” said Dopey “Sir are there nuns in Alaska?”. “Yes there are” said the Pope. “Go on Dopey ask him” urged the other 6. “Ok” said Dopey, “Sir are there Black Nuns in Alaska?”. “Yes there are” said the Pope. “Go on Dopey ask him” Dopey blushed “Are there midget black Nuns in Alaska?”. “No i don’t think so” said the Pope. All 6 leapt up shouting “Dopey fucked a Penguin !

    #208858

    Nick Jackson
    Member

    RETIRED HUSBAND 

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. 

    Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.  Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. 

    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

    Dear Mrs. Harris, 

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban bo th of you from the store.
    Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking. 

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute 
    Intervals. 

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom. 

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Housewares.  Get on it right away.”  This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. 

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 

    6. August 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area. 

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”  EMTs were called. 

    9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were? 

    11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “MissionImpossible” theme. 

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look” by using different sizes of funnels. 

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

    14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, “OH NO!  IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

    And last, but not least: 

    15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, “Hey!  There’s no toilet paper in here.”  One of the clerks passed out. 
     

    #106718

    I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.
    I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.
    “What are you doing?” I asked her.
    She said, “I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk,” she replied.
    Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself,

    “I don’t remember asking her to cook my sock…”

    #106719

    Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The amazing thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

    1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
    2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
    3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
    4. No one knows your secret place.
    5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
    6. The soothing sound of DIRT BIKES buzzing all around you.
    7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the faces of Julia Gillard & Bob Brown, the two people you are holding underwater.

    There!! See? It really does work. You’re smiling already.

    #209186

    Nick Jackson
    Member

     

    What is a 710?

    No, it’s not like another number you know! 
     

     

    A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred & ten. 

    We all looked at each other and another customer asked, ‘What is a seven-hundred & ten?’ 
    She replied, ‘You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..’ 

    She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. 

    The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. 

    She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked ‘is there a 710 on this car?’.

    She pointed and said, ‘Of course, its right there.’ the mechanic passed out !! 

    If you’re not sure what a 710 is??? … 

    Scroll down 

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    #106720

    A tourist on a bus trip around Invercargill in New Zealand sees a farmer holding a sheep in a ‘unique’ sexual looking position, the tourist asks “are you shearing that sheep” to which the farmer replies “no way she’s mine get your own”.

    #209744

    Mick D
    Member

    The recession in the USA

    The recession in the USA has hit everybody really hard –
    They give out pre-declined credit cards;
    Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries;
    … CEO’s are now playing miniature golf;
    Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen;
    A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced;
    a Mormon was seen with only one wife
    If the bank returns your cheque marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them;
    McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer;
    Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America;
    Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names;
    One woman had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her;
    A truckload of Americans ! was caught sneaking into Mexico;
    A picture is now only worth 200 words;
    The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates;

    #209849

    Greg
    Member

    6566110d.jpg

    #209943

    Mick D
    Member
    Trailboss wrote:
    6566110d.jpg

    I posted that about a year ago.

    Still funny no matter how often you see it!

    #106721

    Do you know, racecar spelt backwards spells racecar. & if you move the 1st letter in the word eat it spells its past tense ate, & if you re-arrange the letters in ”illegal emigrants” & add a few letters it spells ”f$ck off home you free loading, non-english speaking, quick breeding, shit drivin, slanty eyed c$nts and take your towel wearing, camel riding, hairy backed, big nosed, goat f$cking, terrorist bastard mates with you. How weird is that ?

    #210054

    Mick D
    Member

    For all you Fat Pizza lovers, here’s Paulie’s next show to be aired in October. HOUSOS

    Funny shit alright.

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