Jokes

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

The wife bought me a lovely new rolex for my birthday. “Do you like it ?” she said. “It’s great!” I said “it will remind me of your fanny”. She laughed “is that because its exclusive and sexy?”. I replied “Nah, its a bit loose round my wrist!”

[Nick JacksonMember]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
“Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight. – Your Husband”

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

“Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.”

[Nick JacksonMember]

Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout ” air in the hands mother stickers this is a fuck up”.

[Dwayne OMember]

Nickj wrote:

Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout ” air in the hands mother stickers this is a fuck up”.

:laugh: Sounds more like a robbery at Wauchope Post Office to me :laugh:

[SteveMember]

The cute sales girl in the phone shop the other day asked me what ring tone i have.
I said ,Ive never realy looked,but i would think its just normal colour.

[SteveMember]

Went up to a fat chick at the chineese shop “Have you got a pen “i asked.
She replied “yes i have”
so i said “You should get back in it before the farmer notices your gone.

[SteveMember]

After both suffering depression for a while me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday,
But strangely enough,once she killed herself i started to feel a whole lot better,so i thought
“f*%k it soldier on!!!

[Jack KerouacMember]

A door to door salesman is greeted by a young kid with a cigar in one hand and a glass of scotch in the other.

Somewhat confused, the salesman asked ‘Are your parents in?’

The kid swirled his glass and took a drag of his cigar and said ‘What do you f*cken reckon!’

[MalMember]

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?” “I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity so he asked… “Well, before you jump,
why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So she does… And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl………”

[simon burkeMember]

I would like to share an experience with you all I heard the other day.
It is to do with drinking and driving, as some of us may have had, in the past, some brushes with the Authorities on the way home.
Well, a mate of mine for one, has done something about it.
The other day he was out for a lunch with friends and, having had far too much wine,
he did something he had never done before….. He took a bus home.
He arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise,
as he hasn’t ever driven a bus before……
:woohoo:

[DeanMember]

NOW ON SALE AT IKEA

Quick Assembly

* Lesbian Beds *

No nuts or screwing involved.

It ‘s all tongue and groove!!

:whistle:

ollie

[peteMember]

When the Mrs left I was sad upset & lonely..!!!
Since then
I’ve got a dog,
bought a Harley,
shagged 2 women
& blown a grand on hard drink & cocaine…….

She’ll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.

[glennMember]

[peteMember]

Two gold fish in a bowl
One said to the other

” you drive and I will man the guns “

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: I love that joke.

[simon burkeMember]

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

‘Twenty pounds’ she whispers.

Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They’re going ‘at it’ for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.

‘What’s going on here, people?’ asks the cop

‘I’m making love to me wife!,’ Paddy answers sounding annoyed-

‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ says the cop, ‘I didn’t know’

‘Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!!’

[Author]

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