Jokes

[Mick DMember]

It was the famous actor Clint Eastwood ‘ s birthday last week and to celebrate a few of his friends got together

and organised a sky writer to put a message above the Hollywood sign.

I don’t think it worked out the way they wanted it to…… :unsure:

[Nick JacksonMember]

Not really a joke but a funny bit of reporting ….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tClbJHb-WOk&sns=em

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

‘You know what?’ says the 7 year old, ‘I think it’s about time we started
swearing.’

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, ‘When we
go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna swear first, then you swear after me,
ok?’

‘Ok’ the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for
breakfast.

‘Oh, shit mum, I don’t know, I suppose I’ll have some Coco Pops’

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up,
and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ‘And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?’

‘I don’t know,’ he blubbers, ‘but it won’t be fucking Coco Pops’

[MalMember]

I was standing in a bar in Barcelona and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me.

I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”
He says “No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee”?

“No”, I say, “It’s because you’re drinking my beer you slanty eyed little c%$t”.

[Peter HornMember]

Love it Mal, just wondering who the F to send it to in my ethical, multicultural workplace … might have to send it to my mining friends, they don’t give a flyin’ F about content. 👿

[Nick JacksonMember]

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.” “Very good,” said the teacher.

Little Mary was next: “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” “Very good, Mary” said the teacher

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath … Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said. “$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny. “I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.” They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog Crap!” Then I would say, “It is dog Crap. Wanna’ buy a toothbrush?” “I used the Gillard approach of giving you something Crappy for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth.”

[Nick JacksonMember]

A bloke walks into book store and asks “Do you have that new self-help book for men with small cocks?”.
Girl at the counter replies “I don’t think it’s in yet”.
He says “Yeah – that’s the one!”

[Mick DMember]

Friendship the Scottish way.

Are ye tired of those piss weak ‘friendship’ poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship… You will see no cute wee smiley faces on this card .. Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.
1. When ye are sad — I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the bastard who made ye sad.
2. When ye are blue — I will try to dislodge whatever is choking ye.
3. When ye smile — I will know ye are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.
4. When ye are scared — I will shake the piss out of ye every chance I get, until you’re NOT.
5. When ye are worried — I will tell ye stories about how much worse it could be until,
YE STOP YER WHINING!
6… When yer confused — I will try to use only wee words.
7… When ye are sick –Stay the fuck away from me until ye are well again.
I don’t want whatever ye’ve got.
8… When ye fall, I will laugh my effin head off at you, you clumsy arse,
………but I’ll help you up.
9… This is my oath…. I pledge it to the end.
‘Why?’ you may ask;
Because you are my friend.
Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth…
Send this to 10 of yer closest friends,
Then get depressed because ye can only think of 4

[Nick JacksonMember]

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a Chinese Businessman, and an Aussie Bricklayer, were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, ‘What’s with those bastards? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!’

The Indian Doctor chimed in, ‘I don’t know, but I’m losing my patience!’

The Chinese Businessman called out ‘Move it, time is money!’

The Catholic Priest said, ‘Here comes George the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.’

‘Hello, George!’, said the Catholic Priest, ‘What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?’

George the greens keeper replied, ‘Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year. We are forever grateful. We always let them play for free anytime.’

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest was the first to speak, and said, ‘That’s so sad. God forgive us. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.’

The Indian Doctor said, ‘Vishnu, I repent. Good idea priest. I will also contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them..’

The Chinese Businessman replied, ‘I’m writing a cheque at this very moment.
$50,000 to these brave souls.’

The Aussie bricklayer said, ‘Why can’t they play at night?’

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

A WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN’S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This
doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.

[Nick JacksonMember]

[GregMember]

Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing a new car. He is approached by JOHN Car salesman

John: Morning! Looking for a new car?

Bryan: Nope. New Prime Minister, actually.

John: You’re the third one this morning. Anything in mind?

Bryan: You know…… nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model. Something to get the country from A to B.

John: You mean like a Howard?

Bryan: Yeah…a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.

John: So…. you used to have one?

Bryan: Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model – don’t know why I got rid of him — biggest mistake I’ve ever made.

John: What happened?

Bryan: Traded him in for a Kevin 07.

John: Big mistake.

Bryan: Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.

John: How was the Kevin 07?

Bryan: Came with a $900 factory rebate – that was good.

John: Anything else?

Bryan: Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.

John: Didn’t stick around for long did it?

Bryan: Nah – had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen again.

John: What was the problem?

Bryan: Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and it automatically loses its own way.

John: Whatcha got now?

Bryan: It’s a Gillard-Brown.

John: The hybrid?

Bryan: Yeah. The Eco-drive system – not a good idea. An engine that can’t deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse.

John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches to the left for no apparent reason – that’s the one?

Bryan: The Fustercluck model.

John: The only one they made, Bryan. Not the vehicle of choice for the road to recovery – but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?

Bryan: Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in all directions and goes nowhere.

John: So that’s why you’re here?

Bryan: That’s right. I’m stuck with a car that’s wasteful, expensive, ineffective and past its use by date. I don’t suppose you’ve heard of the “Cash for Clunkers” scheme?

John: Join the queue brother.

TB :laugh:

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

I went to the doctor’s office the other day & found out that my new doctor is a young female & drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry,I’m a Professional – I’ve seen it all before.Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll “check it out.”

I said. “My wife thinks my penis tastes funny.”

[Author]

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