Jokes

[Nick JacksonMember]

My dog ate a condom last night.
Try explaining that to the vet when its hanging halfway out its arse.

[Adrian GaleMember]

Scottish couple decided to go to
Spain to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel
where they spent their honeymoon
20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules,
it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to
Barcelona on Thursday,
with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife..
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral.
He was a minister who died following a heart attack
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends after reading the first message,
she screamed and fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008
I know you’re surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. VERY hot down here! 👿

[Adrian GaleMember]

Costume party

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.
Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished… Naturally, (since he was her husband.)

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

– “Did you dance much ?”

– “You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to….”

:whistle:

[SteveMember]

The missus asked me “how many womam have you slept with?
I proudly answered
“Only you my darling….
all the rest kept me awake all night shagging.

[Nick JacksonMember]

Disabled swimmin gala. 50mtrs free style . Lane 1, bloke with no arms Lane2, bloke with no legs Lane3, just a head. Gun goes off & they all dive in. Bloke with no legs takes the lead from armless bloke. The head sinks 2 the bottom. Armless bloke pips the legless bloke 2 win the race.They fish the head out & ask what happened. The head spluttered & screamed “6 FUCKIN months 2 learn 2 swim with my ears & some c#%t puts a swimmin cap on me!”

[Nick JacksonMember]

A real woman is a mans best friend. She will never stand him up & never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure & comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do, she will enable him to express deepest emotions & give in to his most intimate desires, she will make him feel confident & sexy, seductive & invincible… No wait …. I’m thinking of beer, It’s fucking beer that does that. Sorry!!

[Nick JacksonMember]

Another great day!
Been to the gym, had a nice hot shower & I’ve just picked up a bottle of home brew off a neighbour for this afternoon.
I’ve got a few joints rolled up for the XBox tournament with the lads, after which I’ll muck about online with some porn & gambling sites
then it’s a nice blow job before I head off to bed.

Fuck I Love Prison…

[Nick JacksonMember]

I rang triple 0 the other day. The bloke said, “what’s the emergency”? I said, “there’s two naked women in my loungeroom fighting over me”! He said, “what’s wrong with that”? I said,”the fat ones winning”

[Nathan HeatherMember]

Whats the difference between a vagina and a fridge?

When ya pull the meat out of the fridge it doesnt fart!

[Nick JacksonMember]

SIX REASONS WHY MEN PREFER GUNS TO WOMEN
1. You can trade in an old 45 for a 22;
2. You can admire a friends gun & he’ll let you try it;
3. Your gun stays with you even if you run out of ammo;
4. Guns function normally ‘everyday’;
5. A Gun doesnt mind if you go to sleep after you use it;
And the best one……..
6. YOU CAN BUY A FUKING SILENCER FOR A GUN !

[SteveMember]

I was standing at the urinal to day and beside me was a midget also taking a piss
I noticed we was winking at me so i looked away,i turned and looked again and the little bugger was winking like crazy at me.
Disturbed by this i said to him”are you gay?do you fkn fancy me or somthing?”
He replied “no your splashing my eyes you cu*$.

[MalMember]

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:

IF – YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

IF – YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

IF – YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL WAS AWAITING YOU

IF – YOUR BATH WATER HAD BEEN RUN?

IF – YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS OR PETS?

IF – YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,
WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?

SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE ?

Well……. HELLOOooo !!!!!!!

YOU’D BE at THE WRONG FUCKIN’ HOUSE!

[Nick JacksonMember]

Not only funny but TRUE !!! 👿

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the females thighs.
To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, ‘Are you looking at my pussy?’
‘Yes, I’m sorry’ replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.
‘It’s quite alright,’ replies the woman, ‘It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.’
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
The man, who is getting really interested, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. ‘I can also make it wink,’ says the woman.
The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. ‘Come and sit next to me,’ suggests the woman, patting the seat.
The man moves over and is asked, ‘Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?’
Stunned, the man replies, ‘Fuck me! Can it whistle as well?’

[GregMember]

[Author]

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