Jokes

This topic contains 487 replies, has 0 voices, and was last updated by  Adrian Snowden 9 years ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1,231 through 1,245 (of 1,694 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #214342

    Nick Jackson
    Member

    21b1481c.jpg

    #106733

    TONY.
    Member

    Keep the motor running

    Old Motor!

    The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

    The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, ‘This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?’

    The old man grinned and said, ‘You got to keep the old motor running.

    The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

    She said, ‘Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?’

    The old man grinned and said, ‘You gotta keep the old motor running..’

    A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

    The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, ‘Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?’

    The old man replied, ‘It’s like I’ve told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.’

    The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: ‘Well, I guess it’s time to change the oil. This one’s black.’

    #214544

    Mal
    Member

    NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND!

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

    Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.

    One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

    They went to her husband and told him what happened, telling him, ‘As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little ‘Oral sex’ will do the trick & bring her out of the coma’

    The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

    The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

    The nurses run back into the room. ‘What happened!?’ they cried.

    The husband said, ‘I’m not sure; maybe she choked!’

    NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.

    #214582

    Nick Jackson
    Member

    I’ve just finished watching Harry Potter and have to say it’s not very realalistic

    I mean … A ginger kid with two friends ??? :D :D

    #214843

    Nick Jackson
    Member

    c0ad16e6.jpg

    One for the mods !! :D

    #106734

    Nick Jackson
    Member

    a4008cb0.jpg

    #214870

    Nick Jackson
    Member

    c5ebd494.jpg

    #214844

    glenn
    Member
    Nickj wrote:
    I’ve just finished watching Harry Potter and have to say it’s not very realalistic

    I mean … A ginger kid with two friends ??? :D :D

    hey, stop picking on the ranga,

    #214874

    Steve
    Member

    Hubby and wife have been married for 40 years.hubby one day coments that in those 40 years they have never had a fight.
    He askes the wife how this is possable.
    she replies”Every time you gave me the shits,i would go and clean the mould in the shower,and the shit stains on the toilet.”
    Puzzled, the hubby asked how this could possably work.
    She replies”I’d use your toothbrush “

    #106735

    Peter Horn
    Member

    If three people haveing sex is a threesome ….
    … and two people having sex is a twosome …

    Now I understand why they call you HANDSOME!!!

    #106736

    A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a really
    famous Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his
    place.

    They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.On his arm, he has
    a tattoo that says REEBOK.

    “What’s that for?” the lady questions.

    “Oh, I have this so that when I’m on TV, people will see my tattoo, and
    Reebok pays me.”

    Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo
    that says NIKE.

    ‘What’s that ?’ the lady questions again.

    “Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on
    TV.”

    Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that
    says AIDS.

    The lady screams: “Don’t tell me you have AIDS!”

    The man replies: “No, no…!!! Calm down…!!!

    It will say ADIDAS in a minute.”

    #106737

    A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

    So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

    She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

    “Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?”

    “Morris Feinberg,” he replied.

    “Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”
    “For about 60 years.”

    “60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

    “I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”
    “I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.”
    “I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”

    “How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
    “Like I’m talking to a fucking brick wall.”

    #215004

    Mal
    Member

    I just got off the phone with friend living near the Canadian border.He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

    #106738

    “We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know, and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

    We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.

    Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.

    Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

    Although inexperienced, she approached every
    change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

    As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.

    Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been.

    She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered
    “Baaaaaaaa” and rejoined the flock.”

    #215162

    Nick Jackson
    Member

    6fcefebf.jpg

Viewing 15 posts - 1,231 through 1,245 (of 1,694 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.