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February 1, 2012 at 12:50 pm #106743
Dave is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can’t see where it went.” His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says,
“Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good,” sighs Dave, “your brother’s 103 years old. He can’t help.”
“He may be 103,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day Dave heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” replied the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight”.
“Where did it go?” says Dave.
“I don’t remember.”
February 1, 2012 at 12:53 pm #106744THE GOVERNMENTAL APPROACH TO SALES
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment had been to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.Little Sally led off: “I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly. “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
“Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn:
The teacher held her breath…
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said.
“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.
“Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a dip & chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.
They all said the same thing, ‘Hey, this tastes like dog crap!’
Then I would say, ‘It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?’ See, I used the governmental approach of giving you crap for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth.”
February 1, 2012 at 12:55 pm #106745By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant—an Air Force guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.
“Never better.”
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained.
“I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Good night, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
February 1, 2012 at 12:57 pm #106746A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?”
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $200 a week. Why?”
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, “Here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters…
“He’s the pizza delivery guy!”
February 1, 2012 at 12:59 pm #106747I’m Going to Be in Trouble For These…….
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. “I’ll have the steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And then the fight started…My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says my wife, “who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started…
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started…After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”
And then the fight started…A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started…February 1, 2012 at 1:03 pm #106748Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. They set up their tent, and are soon fast asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replies, “I see millions of stars.”“What does that tell you?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes pauses for a moment, shaking his head, then says, “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”
February 1, 2012 at 1:04 pm #106749Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around, and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked a flight attendant, “What was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” the flight attendant explained, “and it took us a while to find another pilot.”
February 2, 2012 at 11:57 am #106750A chicken farmer went to a local bar…. Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..
The woman perks up and says, ‘How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!’
‘What a coincidence’ the farmer says. ‘This is a special day for me…. I am celebrating’
‘This is a special day for me too, I am also
celebrating!’ says the woman.‘What a coincidence!’ says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence,’ says the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.’
‘That’s great!’ says the woman. ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’
‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.
The woman smiled and said, ‘What a coincidence!’
February 3, 2012 at 10:01 pm #215335
February 4, 2012 at 10:11 am #215468Paddys wife has never had an orgasm,so they go to the doctors.
After a few tests doctor suggests that she might be overheating during sex.
Paddy refuses to buy a fan or get air con,and decides to get a mate around to waft a towel on them during sex.
After 20 minuts of wafting still no orgasm,so his friend suggested they swap. I”ll f$#K her and you waft the towel.
Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddys wife is screaming with pleasure and has the best orgasm ever.
Paddy taps his mate on the shoulder and says
”And that my freind is how you waft a f&%$king towel”February 4, 2012 at 8:29 pm #215484The following are actual statements made during court cases.
From a defendant representing himself…
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,did you check for a pulse?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
Witness: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.February 4, 2012 at 8:30 pm #215504An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, “What is this, Father?”
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life; I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, “Go get your mother.”
February 4, 2012 at 8:35 pm #215505A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills the slowest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more effiecient machine. That’s why you feel smarter after a few beers.
February 4, 2012 at 8:38 pm #215506A young man was walking along the side of a road when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind the man walking the pit bull were 200 men walking single file. The young man couldn’t stand the curiousity. He approached the man walking the dog and said, respectfully, …Sir, I know it is a bad time to disturb you but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?…
The man replied, …Well, that first hearse is for my wife….The young man asked, …What happened to her?…
The man replied, …My dog bit her and she died….
The young man inquired further, …Well, who’s in the second hearse?…
The man answered, …My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and bit her and she died….
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men and then the young man asked, …Sir, could I borrow that dog?…
The man replied, …Get in line….
February 4, 2012 at 8:42 pm #215507Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, and he heard a loud voice ask him, “What is wrong with you?” Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
He said, “This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.”
Adam asked “What would a woman like this cost me?”
The answer was “An arm and a leg.”
Adam then asked “What can I get for just a rib?”
The rest is history.
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