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February 4, 2012 at 10:07 pm #215508
Two casino dealers are waiting idly at the craps table when a beautiful blonde comes in and asks if she could bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice.
“And,” she adds, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m naked.”With that she takes off everything but her necklace, rolls the dice, then starts yelling, “Mama needs new clothes.”
When the dice stop she screams, “Yes, yes, yes! I won, I won, I won!” and she jumps up and down and, while still nude, she hugs and kisses both of the dealers passionately. Then she picks up the money, gathers all of her clothes and leaves.
The dealers can only stare at her very nude and well rounded shapely behind as it vanishes into the casino crowd, then one of the dealers ask, “What did she roll, anyway?”
The other answers, “I don’t know. I thought you were watching.”
February 4, 2012 at 10:09 pm #215509A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die:
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he’s in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on TV. And, most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”
“You’re gonna die,” she replied.
February 6, 2012 at 11:04 am #215510I actually knew this already…………..
February 7, 2012 at 10:39 pm #215575Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my neighbour’s daughter sunbaking topless from my bedroom window. As I was having a wank, I noticed my wife standing there, arms folded, watching me. Im worried. Is she a pervert?
February 9, 2012 at 10:50 pm #215757:unsure: :ohmy: :huh: 😆 :woohoo: :whistle: :pinch: :laugh: :cheer:
February 10, 2012 at 2:12 pm #215911Sometimes … when you cry … no one sees your tears… Sometimes… when you are in pain… no one sees your hurt… Sometimes… when you are worried…. no one sees your stress…Sometimes … when you are happy … no one sees your smile ……But try masturbating in
coles car park just one fucking time & see how much fucking attention you get.
Can you pick me up from the police station ?February 10, 2012 at 9:46 pm #215932After landing in jail last night, I proceeded to be raped anally for hours on end.
Sometimes i think my uncle takes monopoly far too seriously…
February 12, 2012 at 9:38 am #215942Italians…it is in their blood!
Fabrizio
Rossi
Biaggi
Schettino
February 16, 2012 at 8:08 am #216028A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, “Would you like some
bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and
coffee?”
He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now.
It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my
appetite.”
At lunchtime, she asks him if he’d like something. “How about a
bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?”
He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food. “
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you
like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?”
He declines again. “No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra. I’m
still not hungry.”
“Well,” she says, “Would you mind getting off me for a while? . .
I’m f***ing starving.”February 19, 2012 at 8:59 am #216307Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, ‘Well, bugger me, someone’s gotta go and tell Coot’s wife.
Mongrel says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, ‘Where’d you get the grog, Mongrel?’
‘Coot’s wife gave it to me,’ Mongrel replies.
‘That’s unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?’
‘Well, not exactly’, Mongrel says. ‘When she answered the door, I said to her, “you must be Coot’s widow.”
She said, ‘You must be mistaken.. I’m not a widow.’
Then I said, ‘I’ll betcha a case of beer you are.’We Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
February 27, 2012 at 12:23 am #106751
February 28, 2012 at 11:39 am #106752Wow, how tough are Australians!
The scene is set – a dark night, cold wind blowing,
campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the heavens above.
Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire … one from
Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.
Each renowned for their bravado and self-confidence.
A few drinks and the talk begins….Kiven the Kiwi says, “I must be the meanest, toughest, heng-glider
there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a
crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who
were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him
to du ground and killed em with my beer hends”Hansie from Seth Efrika (who can’t stand to be bettered) said,
“Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng-glider
on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and
made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and
beet it’s head off ind then sucked the poison from it’s body down in
one gulp. End I’m still here today”Colin, the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis….
February 28, 2012 at 11:49 am #217291OWL 02 wrote:Wow, how tough are Australians!
The scene is set – a dark night, cold wind blowing,
campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the heavens above.
Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire … one from
Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.
Each renowned for their bravado and self-confidence.
A few drinks and the talk begins….Kiven the Kiwi says, “I must be the meanest, toughest, heng-glider
there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a
crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who
were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him
to du ground and killed em with my beer hends”Hansie from Seth Efrika (who can’t stand to be bettered) said,
“Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng-glider
on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and
made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and
beet it’s head off ind then sucked the poison from it’s body down in
one gulp. End I’m still here today”Colin, the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis….
Snort :laugh: snort :laugh: snort :laugh:
February 29, 2012 at 1:40 pm #106753Dear Mr Minister,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs and condoms from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date ?
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand ?
My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 40 years.
It is also on my driver’s licence, on the last eight passports I’ve ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years.
It’s also on all those insufferable census forms that I’ve filled out every 5 years since 1966.
Also… would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Audrey, my father’s name is Jack, and I’d be absolutely fucken astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead !!!
SHIT! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide?
I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I’m really pissed off this morning.
Between you and me, I’ve had enough of all this bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address!
What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless
Neanderthal arseholes working there!And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?
I can’t even grow a beard for God’s sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event, I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other side of fucking Sydney, and get another fucking copy of my birth certificate – and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?
Noooo! That’d be too fucking easy and makes far too much sense.
You would much prefer to have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our fucken heads cut off, and then having to find some ‘high-society’ wanker to confirm that it’s really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo…. the one where we’re not allowed to smile?…you fucking morons.
Signed – An Irate Australian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in ‘high-society’ to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1820! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I’m also a personal friend of the president of the RSL… Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.
However, your rules require that I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am; you know…someone like my doctor – WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F…… PAKISTAN!…a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers – and are suspended from the Commonwealth and United Nations for not having the “right sort of government”.
You are all pen-pushing paper-shuffling f…… idiots!
March 4, 2012 at 11:00 am #106754Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting
kicked in the nuts.
Here is proof that they are wrong.
A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say “it’d be nice to
have another baby”.
You never hear a bloke say ” I wouldn’t mind another kick in the nuts”. -
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