Jokes

[AlexMember]

OWL 02 wrote:

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting
kicked in the nuts.
Here is proof that they are wrong.
A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say “it’d be nice to
have another baby”.
You never hear a bloke say ” I wouldn’t mind another kick in the nuts”.

Haha aint that the truth.

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob’s wife, Sue wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob’s wife followed and asked, ‘Did you see anything that you like under there?’

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, ‘Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.’

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob’s house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 – they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: ‘Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?’

With a lump in her throat Sue answered ‘Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.’ Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, ‘And did he give you $500?’

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, ‘Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.’

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, ‘He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.’

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

[Nick JacksonMember]

Can’t believe Davy Jones of the Monkees has died.
But then I saw his face, now I’m a bereaver.

[Mick DMember]

Nickj wrote:

Can’t believe Davy Jones of the Monkees has died.
But then I saw his face, now I’m a bereaver.

Everyone in the office,
wanted to know what was so funny!

[Nick JacksonMember]

micknmeld wrote:

Nickj wrote:

Can’t believe Davy Jones of the Monkees has died.
But then I saw his face, now I’m a bereaver.

Everyone in the office,
wanted to know what was so funny!

Sorry Mick , for such a crap joke I laughed a bit too much !!!!!

[GregMember]

So a penguin is riding across the desert (yeah, I know… just follow me…). All of sudden his bike breaks down. Luckily, he’s pretty close to a servo. So he waddles beside his bike and pushes it to the servo. He asks the mechanic to take a look and find the problem. Mechanic tells him to come back in 10 minutes. So the penguin is getting hot, being in the desert and all, and goes in the shop and buys an ice cream. He slobbers the ice cream all over himself and goes back to the mechanic to find out the problem. Mechanic says,” Looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin says “Nah mate, just a bit of ice cream, whats up with me bike?”

[Chris DoddMember]

Not as joke, but very funny

[DeanMember]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop at any time.

Ollie :laugh:

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car
for women.

Mixing the Renault ‘Clio’ and the Ford ‘Taurus’ they have designed the
‘Clitaurus’. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won’t be
able to find it – let alone turn it on – even if someone tells him where
it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and
can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on
cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and
horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have
curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for
fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are
baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint
may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it
is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

[Nick JacksonMember]

My son fell asleep at a recent house party we had. So for a laugh, I shaved his eye brows off & drew a cock on his forehead.
The missus went fucking mental when she looked in his cot.

[Nick JacksonMember]

An Arab is interviewed at the Embassy for a visa:
Consul: Your name please?
Arab: Abu Zina.
Consul: Sex?
Arab: Every day.
Consul: Eh, I mean, male or female?
Arab: Don’t matter, sometimes even Camel. Consul: Holy cow!
Arab: Yes, cows and donkey too.
Consul: Isn’t that hostile? Arab: Horsetyle, Dogstyle, any style!.
Consul: Oh dear!
Arab: No deer! Asshole too tight and run too fast.

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

Elton John and partner David had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

“Isn’t it wonderful?” Elton asked David. “All these crying babies…and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!

“The nurse said, “Oh sure, he’s happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse….”

[Mick DMember]

On their 50th wedding anniversary and elderly coule were celebrating in a local pub.

The old fella said to his wife. “Remember 50 years ago, when we made love against the fence at the back of this pub, how’s about we give it a go again for old time’s sake”

‘Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so
there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
tavern and
make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has
ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud
noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the
ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and
old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is
still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to
ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, ‘Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some
sort of secret to this?’

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, ‘Fifty years ago, that
wasn’t an electric fence

[Nick JacksonMember]

[Nick JacksonMember]

[Author]

Posts