Jokes

[Nick JacksonMember]

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting a kick in the nuts. Here is proof they are wrong: two or three years after giving birth a woman will often say “it’d be nice to have another baby”. You never hear a bloke say “I wouldn’t mind another kick in the nuts”.

[peteMember]

When my wife was pregnant all her friends rubbed her belly and said congratulations, but none of them came up to me and rubbed my knob and said well done champ. :laugh:

[GregMember]

A wife texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen”

The husband texts back: “Pour some luke warm water over it”

The wife texts back: “Computer completely fucked now”

[GregMember]

The ATO decides to audit Grandad, and summons him to their office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandad showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the ATO finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandad. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandad says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye’

Now the auditor can tell Grandad isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandad’s lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandad asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandad stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandad’s own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the lawyer. ‘This morning, when Grandad told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

Don’t Mess with Old People!

[GregMember]

The Pope

After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’

‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.’

‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen,’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

‘Who’s going to tell,’ says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 118mph. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

‘Please slow down, Your Holiness,’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

‘Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph.
‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.

‘I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,’ said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, ‘All the more reason!’

‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence..

The Chief then asked, ‘Who do you have there, the mayor?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘A senator?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘The Prime Minister?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

‘Well,’ said the Chief, ‘who is it?’

Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’

Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!’

[GregMember]

A wife texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen”

The husband texts back: “Pour some luke warm water over it”

The wife texts back: “Computer completely fucked now” :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

TB

[Nick JacksonMember]

One for the central coast (ieees!)

[Nick JacksonMember]

Not for everyone !!!!!

[Nick JacksonMember]

Are you a Facebook creep ??

[Nick JacksonMember]

Loosest Aussie ever !!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9GZBw63TdA&sns=em

[Nick JacksonMember]

Professor Higgins at Edinburgh University was giving a lecture on
‘Involuntary Muscle Contraction’ to the first year medical students..

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up
the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, ‘Do you know what
your arsehole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’

She replied, ‘Probably fishing with his mates.!!!

[SteveMember]

So me mate was having trouble getting an erection, he wanders off to the docs.doc suggests that he goes home inserts a finger into the missus,and wipe his finger around his nose.
Home he goes grabs the missus,gives her a good fingering.wipes his finger around his nose ,and feels a small sensation in his pants.
He grabs the wife again gives her the fingering of her life,pulls his fingers out rubs them all over his nose and lips n face, he gets an erection so he strips off.
Notice anything different about me? he asks the missus.
She says”yes you have a bleeding nose”

[AndrewMember]

:sick: :sick:

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

Stew died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.

The three men had always done everything together.

Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Mick said, ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over’

The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, ‘Nope, ain’t Stew.’

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.

Paddy looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over.’

The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, ‘No, it ain’t Stew. ‘

The mortician asked, ‘How can you tell?’

Paddy said, ‘Well, Stew had two assholes.’

‘What? He had two assholes?’ asked the mortician.

‘Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say:

‘There’s Stew with them two assholes.’

[simon burkeMember]

THE GRAZIER!
A grazier is overseeing his herd in remote far western Queensland when suddenly a brand-new Toyota Landcruiser Sahara advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and says to the grazier, ‘If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?’
The grazier looks at the man, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, ‘Sure, why not?’
The man parks his car, whips out his I-Pad , and surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the grazier and says, ‘You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.’
‘That number is right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,’ says the grazier.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.
Then the grazier says to the young man, ‘Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?’
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, ‘Okay, why not?’
‘You work for the Australian Government’, says the cow cocky.
‘Wow! That’s correct,’ says the young man, ‘but how did you guess that?’
‘No guessing required.’ answered the cocky. ‘You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to be rewarded for information I already knew, in answer to a question I never asked.
You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about cows… This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my sheep dog.’

[Author]

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