Jokes

[SteveMember]

Gold Bol .new pm would not know the difference.were in safe hands?????

[drewMember]

i found a lantern and sure enough when i rubbed it a genie pops out. he said he’d grant me one wish.

so i requested that my knob would reach the ground…….

now my legs are 3 inches long.

[DeanMember]

Little Sally came home from School one afternoon with a smile on her face. and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his Willie today in the play ground.!”
Before the mother could raise a concern, little Sally went on to say “It reminded me of a peanut!”
relaxing with a hidden smile, sally’s mum asked, “Rally small was it?”
Sally replied, “No…… Salty!”” :cheer: :laugh:

Ollie

[Nick JacksonMember]

When my wife heard I was taking Yoga she said “I know this has something to do with one of your sexually perverted fantasies”
I was so taken back by her accusation…. I nearly choked on my cock

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

An elderly woman was walking on the golf course in Canberra when she slipped and fell on the damp grass.
Julia Gillard, who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly.
She thanked her and she answered: “It was a pleasure to help you. Don’t you recognize me? I’m your Prime Minister.
Are you going to vote for me in the next election?”
The elderly woman laughed and replied: “I fell on my ass … not my head!”

[simon burkeMember]

The lady walking ahead of me sped up, so i did too.
She began running, so i did too :huh:
She began screaming,so i screamed aswell :ohmy:

I never even saw what we were running from :blink: :huh: :blink: :huh:

[simon burkeMember]

[MalMember]

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you
Believe that….2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador. “Really, …” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind”

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg”.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid…….then I was petrified.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time….

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a Coffin, 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown.’

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ – I thought, ‘What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?’

[Nathan HeatherMember]

Ya gotta luv the 1 liners!!!

Only 1 out of 7 people dont like gang rape.

[Scott SouthwellMember]

[peteMember]

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=1Mlp0CGBP1A

Warning, bit of bad language.

[drewMember]

pete the wulf wrote:

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=1Mlp0CGBP1A

Warning, bit of bad language.

TB been to a combined industries update corse?

was that a look inside his mind as he sat there board witless at hearing the same old thing?

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did…. and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
“Now….. show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,” he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
“Now. Tell HIM you have a headache.”

[alanMember]

😆

[Jeffrey SmithMember]

Only an Aussie could pull this one off ! A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland ..

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local pub late in the evening.

The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk!

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles.

The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man’s intoxication.

The Police officer said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station – this breathalyser equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy”..

[Author]

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