Jokes

[dennis da menaceMember]

pete the wulf wrote:

Trailboss wrote:

KING BOLLOCKS wrote:

My mother inlaw was baby sitting my kids the other night…when me and the missus got back she was reading a book…i read a few books so i quizzed her if it was a good book ? :huh:

She sorta said yep and changed the subject pretty quickly :huh:

I now remember the title of the book…..”50 shades of Grey” :ohmy: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: :ohmy:

True story :ohmy:

Bol :woohoo:

Get a copy for your bride by all accounts its the go Bolls, shit sorry King Bolls

TB

Isn’t it based on King Bollocks ? :laugh: :laugh:

na pete, its based on “aching bollocks”

not “the king bollocks” :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Adam RodgersMember]

Got sent this one.

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGbwUrZ9eDk[/video]

Adam.

[SteveMember]

Last night my wife said to me, if you turn off the bedside lamp,I,ll take it up the arse.
Guess i should have waited for the light bulb to cool down first.

[SteveMember]

I was at the pool today and decided to have a sneeky piss in the deep end.
The lifegaurd must have noticed,because he blew his whistle so loud,
I nearly fell in.

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon when suddenly the wife realized that her husband had “disappeared”.

The somewhat irate spouse called her mates mobile phone and demanded: ” Where the hell are you? “

Husband: ” Darling, d’you remember that jeweller’s shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn’t have money that time and I said Baby it’ll be yours one day. “

Wife, with a smile blushing: “Yes, I remember that my love. “

Husband: “Well, I’m in the Pub right next to that. “

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

Kiwi Clock…..

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night,

a drunk Kiwi led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

‘What’s that big brass gong for ?’ one of the friend’s asked.

‘Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock’ he drunkenly replied.

‘A talking Australian clock – seriously ?’

‘Yup.’ ‘Hmmm (hic).’

‘How’s it work ?’ the second friend asked, squinting at it.

‘Just watch’ he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ‘ear-shattering bash’ and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

‘For f*#k’s sake, you stupid Kiwi prick. It’s ten past three in the f*#kng morning !!!’

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

My wife was screaming at me:

“Leave! Get out of this house!” she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled,

“I hope you die a slow and painful death!”

So I turned around and replied,

“So now you want me to stay?”

[Nick JacksonMember]

[simon burkeMember]

Now on sale at IKEA – LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove…

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related…

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8….

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency…

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse’s outfit, a French maids outfit, and
a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can’t hold down a job, she’s not for him

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, ‘A meal for two with a terrible view’ isn’t the best way to announce number 69

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says
“I tink I will ave to go home, I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick.”
Murphy asks “Ave yer got vertigo?”
Paddy replies “No I only live round the corner.”

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanics swimming pool was still full.
_____________________________________________________________________

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

THE CARDIOLOGIST’S FUNERAL

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral…
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral
by the hospital he worked for most of his life.
A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all
the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed,
sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at
him, he said, “I’m so sorry… I was just thinking of my own funeral.”

“I’m a gynecologist.”

The Priest fainted

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East.
Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.
Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and the governments don’t know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

Australians, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Muslims.

God Bless Australia

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

A real woman is a man’s best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comforts him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible…

No wait…Sorry….

I’m thinking of beer. It’s beer that does all that shit.

[Mick DMember]

I know it is wrong but I couldn’t help myself. :laugh:

[DeanMember]

OWL 02 wrote:

A real woman is a man’s best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comforts him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible…

No wait…Sorry….

I’m thinking of beer. It’s beer that does all that shit.

Hmmm Ive always been told a Diamond is a Girls best friend :unsure:

Apparently a big stiff D#$k runs a close second :woohoo:

Ollie

[Nick JacksonMember]

What did the New Zealander say to the Israeli?

Hebrew !!

[Author]

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