Jokes

[Jeffrey SmithMember]

micknmeld wrote:

Wrong but funny anyhow.

No wonder the cat ran away Mick. :sick: :laugh:

[Mick DMember]

It is back now Jeffro, it can see again!! :laugh:

[Nick JacksonMember]

I saw a car in brisbane last week & it had a sticker that said ” I miss Moree”. So i smashed all the windows, stole the stereo, left some empty vb cans inside, crapped on the bonnet & left a note on the windscreen saying ” I hope this helps.”

[Matt BakerMember]

Nickj wrote:

I saw a car in brisbane last week & it had a sticker that said ” I miss Moree”. So i smashed all the windows, stole the stereo, left some empty vb cans inside, crapped on the bonnet & left a note on the windscreen saying ” I hope this helps.”

I, Miss Moree

[attachment=3511]raw2008.jpg[/attachment]

[Nick JacksonMember]

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her “Only you. All the others kept me awake shaggin all night !”
My missus packed my bags and as I walked out of the front door she screamed… “I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!” “Oh” I replied, “so you want me to fucking stay now!”

[Nick JacksonMember]

Just watched this again , gold

[GregMember]

:laugh: :laugh:

[murph the surfMember]

KING BOLLOCKS wrote:

Now on sale at IKEA – LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove…

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related…

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8….

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency…

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse’s outfit, a French maids outfit, and
a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can’t hold down a job, she’s not for him

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, ‘A meal for two with a terrible view’ isn’t the best way to announce number 69

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says
“I tink I will ave to go home, I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick.”
Murphy asks “Ave yer got vertigo?”
Paddy replies “No I only live round the corner.”

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanics swimming pool was still full.
_____________________________________________________________________

Hey Boll us Murphy’s could take offence to that!!!
Luck would have it, I think its all true. :woohoo:
Cheers
Murph
P.S. Sorry for the late replies
I have been off the radar for three months

[AlexMember]

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

God replied, “Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, “God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

God replied: “You want two lanes or four on that bridge…?”

[Adam RodgersMember]

I was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nick-names they had for their wives.

The best call was from a brave chap who called his wife “Harvey Norman”. The Host asked him why that name?

He replied, “Absolutely no interest for 36 months.”

[Adam RodgersMember]

It was Postman Pat’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love making he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a quid coin in the saucer.

‘All this was just too wonderful for words,’ he said, ‘but what’s the quid for?’

‘Well,’ said the blonde, ‘Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you’. ‘I asked him what I should give you’.

He said, ‘Fu@k him. Give him a quid.’

She smiled shyly and said, ‘The breakfast was my idea.’

[glennMember]

Somewhere in the backwoods of kentucky

Daughter!

hey Dad mums got her periods

Dad

How the fuck do you know that.

Daughter

Cause my brothers cock tastes like blood

:sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick:

[Scott SouthwellMember]

Boony wrote:

Somewhere in the backwoods of kentucky

Daughter!

hey Dad mums got her periods

Dad

How the fuck do you know that.

Daughter

Cause my brothers cock tastes like blood

:sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick:

“Backwoods of Kentucky”. Is that a suburb of Tamworth?

[glennMember]

nah its just to the west of sydney :cheer:

[Peter HornMember]

I’m about to take part in the Great Bankstown Run. It’s not an official race, I just stand in the city centre & shout “Allah is a Tosser” & then off we go….

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently ” A meal for two with a hairy view” is not the way to call no 69.

I’ve just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I’d like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $2.50/min (charges may vary).

Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she’s crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
God, I love my new taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he’s mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I’ve called him Bankstown.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine ‘flu from tins of ham then delete it. It’s spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly

[Author]

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