Jokes

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Viewing 15 posts - 1,411 through 1,425 (of 1,694 total)
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  • #231758

    Darren
    Member

    That’s really friggin clever!

    I want to order some Muppet-Grade Felt Work Gloves please 😆 and maybe a Moron Lamp while I’m at it! 😆 😆

    #226114

    As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified
    reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where
    they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
    They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons;
    all is going well.

    Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the
    British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over
    their noses.
    The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
    The Queen turns to President Obama, ” Mr. President, please accept my regrets…
    I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.”
    Obama, always trying to be “Presidential,” replied: “Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought…
    Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.”

    #226115

    THE PERFECT HUSBAND

    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    MAN: “Hello”

    WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

    MAN: “Yes.”

    WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

    MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

    WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

    MAN: “How much?”

    WOMAN: “$90,000.” ;

    MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

    WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”

    MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”

    WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

    MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

    He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?”

    #226116

    simon burke
    Member

    Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

    Mixing the Renault ‘Clio’ and the Ford ‘Taurus’ they have designed the ‘Clitaurus’. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won’t be able to find it – let alone turn it on – even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

    Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.

    New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

    This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

    #226117

    simon burke
    Member

    The teacher asks the kids in class: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

    Little’ Johnny: “I Wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks,

    an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”.

    The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behaviour of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson:

    And you, Tanya?

    ” I wanna be Little’ Johnny’s bitch!”

    #226118

    I got home from work and found the missus had left a post-it note on the fridge saying
    “It’s no good, it’s not working, I’m staying at mums for a while”

    I opened it, the light came on, the beer was well chilled.

    F$%k knows what she was on about?

    #226119

    After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in Florida, I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the California nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating…not to mention attractive.

    As I lay naked on my side on the table, a very gorgeous nurse came in and began my procedure.

    “Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,” the nurse told me.

    “I haven’t got an erection,” I replied.

    “No, but I have,” replied the nurse.

    Don’t get a colonoscopy in San Francisco

    #226120

    simon burke
    Member

    On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field. One says “Boy it’s mighty cold out here!”, the other says “Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey

    #226121

    Nick Jackson
    Member

    “You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?”

    Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.

    #232300

    Mick D
    Member

    #232478

    Dwayne O
    Member

    :laugh:
    That four wheeled thing should have been YELLOW :P :P :P

    #226122

    The Gay Cowboy…

    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
    She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the
    ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to
    place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

    Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

    She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else
    applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be
    safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

    He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day
    and knew a lot about ranching.

    For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

    Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You
    have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You
    should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand
    readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

    One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return.

    Two o’clock and no hired hand.

    Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the
    room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace
    with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

    She quietly called him over to her..

    “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.

    Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.”

    He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.”
    He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

    “Now take off my skirt.”

    He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the
    fire light.

    “Now take off my bra..” Again, with trembling hands, he did as
    he was told and dropped it to the floor.

    Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes
    into town again, you’re fired.”

    #226123

    I saw a car parked outside Woollies with a bumper sticker that said ‘I miss Alice Springs’.
    So I smashed the windows, stole the radio, let the tyres down & left several empty VB cans on the back seat with a note saying ‘hope this helps’.


    .

    #232497

    Mick D
    Member

    I thought this was funny. an oldie but a goody.

    #232505

    You have out done yourself Mick brilliant

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