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November 15, 2012 at 8:47 pm #226124
Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “it might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”
I rest my caseNovember 18, 2012 at 7:42 pm #218554Bluey goes to an outdoor show and wins a tinnie.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,“What you gonna do with that. There’s no water deep enough to
float a boat within 160 Klms of here.”He says, “I won it and I’m gonna keep it.”
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees
the wife and asks where his brother is.She says, “He’s out there in his tinnie”,
pointing to the paddock behind the house.The brother heads out behind the house and sees his
brother in the middle of a paddock sitting in the
tinnie with a fishing rod in his hand …….
He yells out to him, “What are you doing?”His brother replies, “I’m fishing. What the hell does it look like I’m a doing?”
His brother yells, “It’s people like you that give people from Queensland
a bad name, making everybody think we’re stupid. If
I could swim, I’d come out there and kick your arse!”November 19, 2012 at 7:26 am #218555A Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says:
“See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
Husband says: “Looks like he’s still fu**in’ celebrating!!!November 20, 2012 at 3:11 am #218556When I was a kid, if I didn’t wake up with an erection on Christmas morning, I had nothing to play with. And whats more, if I did, I had to share it with my sister.
November 20, 2012 at 9:44 pm #218557I Lost My Part-Time Job With Lifeline…..
I don’t know why I was just sacked from my job with Lifeline.
They just wouldn’t talk to me about it.
Here’s what happened ……
A bloke phoned and said, “I’m Abdul Mohammed, and I’m going to kill myself.
I’m lying on the railway track now waiting for the train to come”!All I said was …..
“Remain calm and stay on the line” !
November 21, 2012 at 8:36 pm #218558Over four thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel:
“Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.”
Forty years ago, Whitlam said to the people of Australia:
“Put down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.”
Today, Gillard has …
Stolen your shovel,
taxed your asses,
put camels in plain packaging,
and mortgaged the Promised Land!!!
So depressing… last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the carbon tax, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, & retirement funds, so I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English, & I was connected to a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck ….
November 26, 2012 at 4:03 am #218559Never Lose Your Grandson!
My small grandson got lost at the shopping centre.
My little boy approached a uniformed security guard and said,
“I’ve lost my granddad!”
The guard asked: “What’s he like?”The little bloke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
“Cold Beer and Sheila’s with big tits.”:woohoo:
November 26, 2012 at 4:48 am #218560Good one King Boll . Granddads now whats good in life plain and simple :laugh: :laugh:
November 29, 2012 at 2:11 am #218561A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.
Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.
She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice replied: “Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you…?”
His wife’s eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:”Yes, I remember that jewellery shop…”
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“Well,” he said, “I’m in the pub next to it!”November 29, 2012 at 2:12 am #218562Two guys are drinking in a bar
One says, “Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?”
“BUGGER !” says his friend. “And I just joined Rotary…..”
November 29, 2012 at 3:41 am #218563Jennifer, a manager at Bunnings, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who
were equally qualified.Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the
job.The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head.
There’s no warning.‘That’s very good!’ replied Jennifer. ‘And, now you sir?’, she asked
the second man.‘Hmmm…let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that
it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’‘Excellent!’ said Jennifer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very
popular cliché for speed.’She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
‘Well, out at my dad’s property, you step out of the house and on the
wall there’s a light switch.
When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the
barn comes on in less than an instant.
‘Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had
found her man. ‘It ‘s hard to beat the speed of light,’
she said.Turning to Russ, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same
question.Old Russ replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.’‘WHAT !?’ said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
‘Oh sure’, said Russ. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so
good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh#t myself..’
Russell is now working at a Bunnings near you!November 29, 2012 at 8:20 pm #232986Life! Life is a sexually transmitted disease,with a 100% mortality rate.
Not real funny,but true.November 30, 2012 at 3:40 am #233019I was shagging this sheila over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” thinking back, I really should have legged it there and then but you don’t get offers like that every day.
December 2, 2012 at 10:48 pm #106789Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, ‘The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.
I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?’
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, ‘This is the one…right here.’
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, ‘Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?’
That’s simple.. By the nail over its stall’, Maggie explains very confidently .
Then the man asks, ‘What’s the nail for?’
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, …….
‘I guess it’s to hang your trousers on.’
December 5, 2012 at 10:46 pm #233163A Glasgow policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.
He radios for backup.
“What’s the situation?”
“A big fat darkie is dancing on a car roof.”
You can’t say that over the radio,” replies the operator. “
You have to use the politically correct terminology”
“OK” he says:
“Zulu….Tango….Sierra”
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