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December 5, 2012 at 11:37 pm #106790
NEED CHEERING UP ?
WELL HERE IS A GREAT IDEA…
Watch your wedding video backwards…
The night starts with you getting a Root..
Then you have a great night and sober up without a hangover..
You’ll love the end bit when you take your ring off, head back down the aisle, jump in the car and F#$k off with your mates.
December 14, 2012 at 7:09 am #106791Mr Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement.
At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, “since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”
Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him. St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
He then asked God, “Aren’t you the inventor of women?”
God Said, “Ah, yes. Indeed I am”.
“Well,” said Mr Honda, “Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design;
1- There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and I don’t even wanna start talking about the maintenance costs.
“Hmmmm, you do raise some good points”replied God, “Lets have a wee
look.”
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, “Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours..”December 16, 2012 at 7:40 pm #106792A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird’s’ mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.In desperation, John threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked, and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.”John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”December 17, 2012 at 2:45 am #106793The Pharmacist!
The woman asked the pharmacist,
“Do you have Viagra?”
“Yes,” he answered.
She asked, “Does it work?”
“Yes,” he answered.
She said, “Can you get it over the counter?”
“I can, if I take two,” he replied.
December 17, 2012 at 6:31 am #233893OWL 02 wrote:A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird’s’ mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.In desperation, John threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked, and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.”John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”Gold! :laugh:
December 19, 2012 at 7:55 am #233929ive accidently swallowed some scrabble tiles.My next shit could spell disaster.
December 19, 2012 at 8:00 am #234131My wifes best friend sat on my glasses and broke them.was my own fault,should have taken them off first.
December 19, 2012 at 10:47 am #234132toes wrote:My wifes best friend sat on my glasses and broke them.was my own fault,should have taken them off first.You got to make sure you can see what you’re eating!
December 20, 2012 at 2:31 am #106794A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
” Marion …. Marion”
“Is that you, Bob?”
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you’d be proud – lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to golf course again. Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”
“Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?”‘
“No — I’m a rabbit somewhere in North Queensland.”December 20, 2012 at 3:13 am #234206Gold Bollocks!! Just did the full on guffaw in the office :laugh: and the secretary says to me “what ever it is, send it to me”. :laugh:
December 30, 2012 at 4:14 am #234209Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a wank in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life. Afterwards he says “We haven’t had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . . . Why??” She answers “I only washed the floor this morning. I’d rather clean my teeth than get the fucking mop out again!!”
Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks “Do you have reservations?” Bride says “Well . . . I’m a bit worried about taking it up the arse!!”
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says “Don’t laugh, your fucking next!!”
Woman goes to the Doctors and says “I’m getting too much discharge”. Doctor says “Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed”. He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina. “How does that feel?” he asks. “Fucking lovely” she replies, “But the discharge is in my ear!”
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said “You must answer 3 questions on the Bible”.
“1st – Who was born in a stable?”
“Red Rum” he replied“2nd – What do you think of Damascus?”
“It kills 99% of all germs” he replied.“3rd – What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?”
“That’s easy” he said “Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!”Went out last night dressed to kill . . . Beard, sandals, turban and backpack.
Little boy gets home from school and says “Dad, I’ve got a part in the school play as a man who’s been married for 25 years.”
His Dad replies “Never mind Son. Maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part!!”Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue. Paddy says “Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too.” Mick agrees “I’m ordering one right now” 3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick “Has your woman turned up yet ?” “No” said Mick “but it shouldn’t be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday !!”
The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife. They said “Is this your Wife Sir?” Shocked, I answered “Yes!”. They said “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been in a car accident”. I said “I know but she has a lovely personality!”
Teacher asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
Ron says “The measles are contagious”.
Katie says “There is a bug going round and it’s contagious”
Little Johnny says “My neighbour’s painting his house with a 2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the contagious!!”Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the “No bombing” sign isn’t the done thing.Man walks into WH Smith and says “Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?”
Girl says “I don’t think it’s in yet”
He replies “Yeah, that’s the one!!”December 30, 2012 at 11:12 pm #234718Theres some Gold in there Murph, nice work!
December 31, 2012 at 3:29 am #234755This may have been on here before but,,,,,,,
Patty and his wife go to the doctors because his wife can’t have an orgasm. The doctor checks her out and tells them that he believes she is overheating during sex and that’s why she can’t.
He suggests they buy a fan to blow on her while they are having sex but Paddy is too tight and instead gets his mate to come over and waft a towel at them while they go at it.
His mate comes over and is wafting the towel while they go at it for half an hour but still no orgasm so Paddy’s mate suggest they swap roles.
Paddy grabs the towel and his mate starts into his wife and within minutes she reaches an almighty climax. Paddy stops, looks his mate dead in the eye and says,,,,,,,,
and that my friend is how you waft a fucking towel!
January 1, 2013 at 4:30 am #106795I didn’t know I was dyslexic ’til I showed up at the toga party dressed as a goat! :ohmy:
January 3, 2013 at 12:46 am #2348231. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
Well, It’s Not Unusual.”8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
“It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”The doctor replied, “I know, I amputated your arms!”
13. I went to a seafood disco last week…And pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
“But why,” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said. “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)…A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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