Jokes

[GregMember]

While on her morning ride on her broomstick, Prime Minister Julia Gillard falls off, has a heart attack and dies because the ‘accident and emergency’ dept at her nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat her in time.

So her soul arrives in Heaven and she is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. ‘Welcome to Heaven,’ says Saint Peter, ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’

‘No problem, just let me in; I’m a good Christian; I’m a believer,’ says the PM.

‘I’d like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you’ll live for eternity.’

‘But I’ve already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,’ replies Gillard.

‘I’m sorry .. But we have our rules,’ Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts her to a lift and she goes down, down, down ….all the way to Hell.

The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a lush golf course.

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22°C. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it are Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped her out over the years — Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc., even Kevin Rudd – The whole of the Labor Party leaders were there (and all the socialists from other parts of the world..)

Everyone is laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet her, to hug her (except Rudd who is still recovering from the stab wounds to his back!! ) and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of ‘suckers and peasants.’

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Gillard with a frosty drink, ‘Have a tequila and relax, Julia!’

‘Uh, I can’t drink anymore; I took a pledge,’ says Gillard, dejectedly.

‘This is Hell, ma’am. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!’

Gillard takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like herself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labor Party pulled at the last election with their master strokes on Education, Immigration, National Broadband Network, Petrol prices, Carbon Tax, Mining Tax, Budget Surpluses, Solar schemes, National Broadband, Health Rebate, and Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before she realises it, it’s time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug (except Rudd!) and waves as she steps into the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopen, she is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for her. ‘Now it’s time to visit Heaven,’ the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Gillard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other’s company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it’s not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. She doesn’t see anybody she knows and she isn’t even treated like someone special!

‘Whoa,’ she says uncomfortably to herself. ‘Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!’

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, ‘Well, you’ve spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.’

With the ‘Deal or No Deal’ theme playing softly in the background, Gillard reflects for a minute … Then answers: ‘Well, I would never have thought I’d say this — I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all — but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.’

So Saint Peter escorts her to the lift and down she goes, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and she is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

She is horrified to see all of her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Gillard and puts an arm around her shoulder.’ I don’t understand,’ stammers a shocked Gillard, ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!’

The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly and purrs, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box
to keep the centipide in.

He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet
to the pub for a drink with him.

So he asked the centipede
in the box,
“Would you like to go
down the pub with me today?
We will have a good time.”

But there was no answer
from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
“How about going
down the pub with me ?”

But again,
there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.
So he waited
a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.

The guy decided
to invite the centipede
one last time.

This time he
put his face up against
the centipede ‘ s house and shouted,
“Hey, in there!
Would you like to go
to
the pub with me?
…..

This time,
a little voice
came out of the box,

“I heard you the first time!

I ‘m putting my fucking shoes

[GregMember]

OWL 02 wrote:

I ‘m putting on my fucking shoes

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Thats funny, I was wondering where it was going

[David MasonMember]

STANLEY

Julia Gillard goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and she asks him his name.

” Stanley ,” responds the little boy.

“And what is your question, Stanley ?”

“I have 4 questions:
Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn’t vote for it?
Second, why are you Prime minister when the Liberal Party got more votes?
Third weren’t you a communist at university?
Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian?”

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Julia informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Julia says, “OK, where were we? Oh, that ‘s right: question time. Who has a question?”

Another little boy puts up his hand. Julia points him out and asks him his name.

“Steve,” he responds.

“And what is your question, Steve?”

I have two questions:

Firstly, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And secondly, what the f*ck happened to Stanley ?”

[murph the surfMember]

Sorry thought the joke was within the first two words, JULIA GILLARD Ha Ha Ha
I aint poitical, I aint even real.!!!!!!!!!!!!

[murph the surfMember]

Its all atrip,man
Someone says its coooooooool
Gotta love that

Cheers for the old
YEHHH
Old man Murph

[murph the surfMember]

WOW too many peeeps at one time. Go figure???????????????????
Just an observervasion
Kinda thing ya do while in the real deal.
tHIS OLD GUITAR?????????????????
LOVE ya
To hell
Dats all folks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is now way past my bed time, so I would like to say goodnight now.
Suicide aint that bad????????????? FUCK I HAVE HAD ENOUGH????????
Bottle is empty again
Where is the livin
Cheers
Old enough Murph

[murph the surfMember]

I aint cool
I aint coheriant
I AINT NOBODY
I aint no one
i HAVE A HEART OF GOLD
love ya’s all

[murph the surfMember]

I am the joke. :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: 👿 :pinch:

[murph the surfMember]

Take the trip?????????
Out of your comfort zone??????
Now and ZEN!!!!!!!!!!

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.

It’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

[scott bockingMember]

OWL 02 wrote:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.

It’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Cheers for that insight Gaz . I have copied that straight into my resume. :laugh:

STM

[Richard WMember]

Helen and Leanne are out having a coffee and catching up

“So, how was your evening last night”?

“A disaster! After getting home, Kevin wolfed down in four minutes the dinner that had taken me all afternoon to prepare, ‘granted’ me three minutes of ‘passionate’ love before rolling over and falling asleep two minutes later. Nightmare! And you”?

“Oh, mine was incredible. Graeme was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and chatted until late. It was wonderful”.

Meanwhile, Kevin and Graeme were at the pub

“So, how was your evening last night, Kevin”?

“Incredible! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife. You”?

“A nightmare! I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn’t find the bloody fuse box, so when Helen arrived I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful! The dinner was fine but was so expensive I couldn’t afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these fucking candles to avoid knocking everything over. I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another hour to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing ……. total disaster”!!

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

In church this morning, I heard the lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you.

Dear Lord,

This has been a tough four years.

You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze

My favourite musician Dave Brubeck.

My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse.

My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.

My favourite comedian Eric Sykes.

My favourite singer Whitney Houston.

And now my favourite sitar player Ravi Shankar.

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are

Julia Gillard, Wayne Swan and the idiot that was in Midnight Oil!

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

A little boy wanted
$100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing
happened .

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, Australia they decided to send it to Julia Gillard. (Australian PM)

Gillard was so amused that she instructed her secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 note. She thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 note and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money.. However, I noticed that
for some reason you sent it through Canberra and that red headed, fat arsed bitch took $95 in taxes

[Author]

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