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Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?
Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.
Then say, “Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters”.
Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
‘What are you doing?’ she asked.
‘I’m waiting for Justin to come home from work.’ The daughter-in-law answered.
‘ But you’re naked!’ the mother-in-law exclaimed.
‘This is my love dress,’ the daughter-in-law explained.
‘Love dress? But you’re naked!’
‘Justin loves me to wear this dress,’ she explained.
‘Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.’The mother-in-law left.. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
‘ What are you doing?’ he asked.
‘This is my love dress,’ she whispered,
sensually.‘Needs ironing,’ he said, ‘What’s for dinner?’
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, ‘Are you going to the Gold Coast?’
‘Sure,’ answered the blonde, ‘do you need a lift ?’
‘Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I’ ll give you $100 for your trouble..’
‘I’d be happy too,’ said the blonde… So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. ‘What the heck are you doing here ?’ he demanded, ‘I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.’
‘Yes, I know you did,’ said the blonde,’ but we had money left over — so now we’re going to SeaWorldThe following is an actual question given in a University of
Washington chemistry mid term exam.The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared
it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now
have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once
a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the
different religions that exist in the world today.Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic
and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that
since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct….. ..leaving only Heaven,
thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why,
last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
SECRETS OF A LONG MARRIAGE
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches
in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk
of the town.People would say, “What a peaceful & loving couple”. The local newspaper
reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.The Husband replied: “Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,” explained
the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down
to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s
horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse
and quietly said, “That’s once.”“We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife
quietly said, “That’s twice.” We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the horse
stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse
and shot the horse dead.I SHOUTED at her, “What’s wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor
animal like that, are you *%&#@$ crazy?” She looked at ME, and quietly said,
“That’s once.”And from that moment… We have lived happily ever after.?
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday.
She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.
She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?’
He says, ‘Madam, I’m completely blind; but, if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.’
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, ‘That’s a two metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg test line.
It’s a good all around combination, and it’s on sale this Week for $44.’She says, ‘It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I’ll take it!’As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.’Oh, That sounds like a Visa card, says the salesman.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.The salesman rings up the sale and says, ‘That’ll be $58.50 please.’
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ‘Didn’t You tell me it was on sale for $44?
How did you get to $58.50?’‘The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.’
A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Lockyer Valley farm and talks with an old farmer.
He tells the farmer, I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.
The old farmer says, ‘Okay, but don’t go in that paddock over there.
The Water representative says, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?’
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his work.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the farmer’s bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..
‘Your card! Show him Your card!
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the ‘F’ word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, ‘BINGO!’
A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, “Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.”
The wife, laying in bed reading a book, looks up and says, “If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep, not a cow.”
The guy replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch, you’d realize I was talking to the sheep.”
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
Spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, ‘Excuse me,
Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I
Don’t know where I am.’The woman below replied, ‘You’re in a hot air balloon hovering
Approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees
North latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.’‘You must be in Information Technology,’ said the balloonist.
‘I am,’ replied the woman, ‘how did you know?’
‘Well,’ answered the balloonist, ‘everything you told me is probably
Technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information
And the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at
All. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.’The woman below responded, ‘You must be in Management.’
‘I am,’ replied the balloonist, ‘but how did you know?’
‘Well,’ said the woman, ‘you don’t know where you are or where you’re
Going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
Air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you
Expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in
Exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it’s my f**king fault.’Got my Pro 2’s in the post yesterday…will do a report when i’m back on the bike in a month or two
Thanks Fat Bat
Anyone got a date in mind???
Anyone got any footage from one…Ive got a analogue pro from launch and like others putting a video cam in your backpack is a pain in the ass but the footage is great
7 Englishmen and a Irishman are standing in a police line up, A rape victim walks in, Paddy steps forward and shouts “That’s her, the ungrateful slut”
micknmeld wrote:
Quote:I bet the Nissan Patrol drove away from that bingle, awesome truck those Nissans, especially that model in that colour.lol I have one in my driveway.
You are right Scotty, Moose does have one of those flash Suzukis and by all accounts is very happy with it.
WTF is a Ezimotow???I was wondering the same thing Mick
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