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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other,
waiting outside the Operating Room.The first kid leans over and asks, ‘What are you in here for?’
The second kid says,
‘I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.’The first kid says,
‘You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, & when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream.
You’ll be completely over it in just a few days.’The second kid then asks, ‘What are you in here for?
The first kid says, ‘A circumcision.’
The second kid says,
‘Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy!
I had that done when I was BORN…Couldn’t walk for a year.THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her: “Can we have sex?”“No,” she replies, “I’m married to God.”
She stands up, and Gets off at the next stop.The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
“I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!”“Yeah?”, says the hippie.
“Yeah!”, say the bus driver.
“She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to
pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood,Put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard,
And pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God.”The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the
cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.“I am God,” he declares to the nun,
Keeping the hood low about his Face.
“Have sex with me.”The nun agrees without question,
But begs him to restrict himself to anal sex,
As she is desperate not to lose her virginity.‘God’ agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.“Ha-ha,” he cries. “I’m the hippie!”
“Ha-ha,” cries the nun. “I’m the bus driver!
Two aboriginal guys were in a bar talking, and one says to the other, “You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?”
The second aboriginal guy says, “Yeah, all the time.”
The first one asked, “Why is that?”
The second says, “I’m pretty sure it’s the pepper spray.”
Teacher asks the kids in class: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny: “I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200-foot yacht, an unlimited American Express card, and I want to make love to her three times a day.”
The teacher, shocked with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson . . .”
And you, Nancy?”
“I wanna be Little Johnny’s bitch.”
Setting your password:
Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one.
Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?
No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one.
Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?
Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.
Can I use the old one and just re-register it?
No, you must get a new one.
I don’t want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.
Sorry, you must get a new one.
OK, roses
Sorry you must use more letters.
OK, pretty roses
No good, you must use at least one numerical character.
OK, 1 pretty rose
Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.
OK, 1prettyrose
Sorry, you must use additional characters.
OK, 1fuckingprettyrose
Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.
OK, 1FUCKINGprettyrose
Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.
OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose
Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.
OK, 1FUCKINGprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon’tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow
Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being usedI was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman
was born just by feeling her boobs.“Really” she said, “Go on then…try.”
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
“Come on, what day was I born”?
I said, “Yesterday.”
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey ..As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, ‘Well, bugger me, someone’s gotta go and tell Coot’s wife..
Mongrel says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, ‘Where’d you get the grog, Mongrel?’
‘Coot’s wife gave it to me,’ Mongrel replies.‘That’s unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?’
‘Well, not exactly’, Mongrel says.
‘When she answered the door, I said to her, “you must be Coot’s widow.”
She said, ‘You must be mistaken.. I’m not a widow.’
Then I said, ‘I’ll betcha a case of beer you are..’
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.Not sure if this has already been posted
<http://www.youtube.com/embed/oCPTZi2Srdw?feature=player_embedded
I work in Nth Ryde and will coming down to Mexico probably Thursday next week. How big is it.
Gaz
Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and “in heat’, agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together,
in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
“Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”
“Do you think that will work?” she asked.
“Just worked on me,” he replied.
Mark said to Paddy, “close your curtains the next time you’re shagging your wife!”.
“Why?”, asks Paddy?
Mark replied, “Because yesterday while you were shagging her, the whole street was out watching and laughing at you.”
“Well”, says Paddy, “The f%&ken” jokes on them because I wasn’t even home yesterday.”When I was in India recently, I saw a sign that said,
“English speaking taxi driver”
I thought to myself,
“What a brilliant idea” !!
“Why don’t we have them in Australia?”Two Aussies in a boat
Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat.
While rummaging through the boat’s provisions Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie .
This genie, however was a little different. He stated he could only
deliver one wish, not the standard three.Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out,
“Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!”
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher.
The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, “Nice going Dickhead!
Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat.”A little boy wanted
$100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing
happened .Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, Australia they decided to send it to Julia Gillard. (Australian PM)Gillard was so amused that she instructed her secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 note. She thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 note and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money.. However, I noticed that
for some reason you sent it through Canberra and that red headed, fat arsed bitch took $95 in taxes -
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