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In church this morning, I heard the lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.
It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you.
Dear Lord,
This has been a tough four years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze
My favourite musician Dave Brubeck.
My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.
My favourite comedian Eric Sykes.
My favourite singer Whitney Houston.
And now my favourite sitar player Ravi Shankar.
I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are
Julia Gillard, Wayne Swan and the idiot that was in Midnight Oil!
The Mighty DR has gone.
Went to a mate of Mick P’s
Cheers Gaz
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.It’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.So he went to the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box
to keep the centipide in.He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet
to the pub for a drink with him.So he asked the centipede
in the box,
“Would you like to go
down the pub with me today?
We will have a good time.”But there was no answer
from his new pet.This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
“How about going
down the pub with me ?”But again,
there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.
So he waited
a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.The guy decided
to invite the centipede
one last time.This time he
put his face up against
the centipede ‘ s house and shouted,
“Hey, in there!
Would you like to go
to
the pub with me?
…..This time,
a little voice
came out of the box,“I heard you the first time!
I ‘m putting my fucking shoes
Hey young fella,
Missed this one. Hope you had a cracker day.
Gaz
Hi Jeffro, have a good one mate.
Cheers Gaz
Happ bithday Mick, shit, I thought you were older than me.
Cheers Gaz
Looks like a Yammy to me
The Pharmacist!
The woman asked the pharmacist,
“Do you have Viagra?”
“Yes,” he answered.
She asked, “Does it work?”
“Yes,” he answered.
She said, “Can you get it over the counter?”
“I can, if I take two,” he replied.
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird’s’ mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.In desperation, John threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked, and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.”John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”all good, Krusty finally decided to check in. thanks for you help
it’s urgent. Krusty was on a ride with them today and was suppose to be home 2 hours ago. Wife cant get hold of him by phone and is worried
NEED CHEERING UP ?
WELL HERE IS A GREAT IDEA…
Watch your wedding video backwards…
The night starts with you getting a Root..
Then you have a great night and sober up without a hangover..
You’ll love the end bit when you take your ring off, head back down the aisle, jump in the car and F#$k off with your mates.
Over four thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel:
“Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.”
Forty years ago, Whitlam said to the people of Australia:
“Put down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.”
Today, Gillard has …
Stolen your shovel,
taxed your asses,
put camels in plain packaging,
and mortgaged the Promised Land!!!
So depressing… last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the carbon tax, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, & retirement funds, so I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English, & I was connected to a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck ….
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