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Hey Steve,
This is just one of the many things that the Old Bulls is about.
Cheers Gaz
Elton John and partner David had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.
When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.
In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
“Isn’t it wonderful?” Elton asked David. “All these crying babies…and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!
“The nurse said, “Oh sure, he’s happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse….”
Now that is how to cross a creek
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car
for women.Mixing the Renault ‘Clio’ and the Ford ‘Taurus’ they have designed the
‘Clitaurus’. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won’t be
able to find it – let alone turn it on – even if someone tells him where
it is and how to do it.Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and
can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on
cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and
horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have
curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for
fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are
baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint
may just make it LOOK bigger.This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it
is best to lease one, and replace it each year.Mick / Jeffro,
Have a great day Guy’s. Have the day off and ride your bikes.
Gaz
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob’s wife, Sue wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob’s wife followed and asked, ‘Did you see anything that you like under there?’
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, ‘Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.’
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob’s house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 – they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: ‘Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?’
With a lump in her throat Sue answered ‘Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.’ Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, ‘And did he give you $500?’
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, ‘Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.’
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, ‘He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.’
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting
kicked in the nuts.
Here is proof that they are wrong.
A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say “it’d be nice to
have another baby”.
You never hear a bloke say ” I wouldn’t mind another kick in the nuts”.Dear Mr Minister,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs and condoms from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date ?
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand ?
My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 40 years.
It is also on my driver’s licence, on the last eight passports I’ve ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years.
It’s also on all those insufferable census forms that I’ve filled out every 5 years since 1966.
Also… would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Audrey, my father’s name is Jack, and I’d be absolutely fucken astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead !!!
SHIT! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide?
I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I’m really pissed off this morning.
Between you and me, I’ve had enough of all this bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address!
What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless
Neanderthal arseholes working there!And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?
I can’t even grow a beard for God’s sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event, I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other side of fucking Sydney, and get another fucking copy of my birth certificate – and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?
Noooo! That’d be too fucking easy and makes far too much sense.
You would much prefer to have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our fucken heads cut off, and then having to find some ‘high-society’ wanker to confirm that it’s really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo…. the one where we’re not allowed to smile?…you fucking morons.
Signed – An Irate Australian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in ‘high-society’ to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1820! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I’m also a personal friend of the president of the RSL… Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.
However, your rules require that I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am; you know…someone like my doctor – WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F…… PAKISTAN!…a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers – and are suspended from the Commonwealth and United Nations for not having the “right sort of government”.
You are all pen-pushing paper-shuffling f…… idiots!
Wow, how tough are Australians!
The scene is set – a dark night, cold wind blowing,
campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the heavens above.
Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire … one from
Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.
Each renowned for their bravado and self-confidence.
A few drinks and the talk begins….Kiven the Kiwi says, “I must be the meanest, toughest, heng-glider
there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a
crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who
were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him
to du ground and killed em with my beer hends”Hansie from Seth Efrika (who can’t stand to be bettered) said,
“Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng-glider
on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and
made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and
beet it’s head off ind then sucked the poison from it’s body down in
one gulp. End I’m still here today”Colin, the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis….
Thanks Jeffro,
Will be having a few tonight as not working tomorrow. Haven’t had a dirt bike for a few months now and due to the FN weather, it’s even hard to get out on the Harley. But wait, there is a new dirt stead in the wind. Watch this space.
Gaz
“We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know, and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.
Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.
Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned ourselves to the moment.
Although inexperienced, she approached every
change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.
Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been.
She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered
“Baaaaaaaa” and rejoined the flock.”A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?”
“Morris Feinberg,” he replied.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”
“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.”
“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a fucking brick wall.”A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a really
famous Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his
place.They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.On his arm, he has
a tattoo that says REEBOK.“What’s that for?” the lady questions.
“Oh, I have this so that when I’m on TV, people will see my tattoo, and
Reebok pays me.”Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo
that says NIKE.‘What’s that ?’ the lady questions again.
“Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on
TV.”Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that
says AIDS.The lady screams: “Don’t tell me you have AIDS!”
The man replies: “No, no…!!! Calm down…!!!
It will say ADIDAS in a minute.”
A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the females thighs.
To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, ‘Are you looking at my pussy?’
‘Yes, I’m sorry’ replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.
‘It’s quite alright,’ replies the woman, ‘It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.’
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
The man, who is getting really interested, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. ‘I can also make it wink,’ says the woman.
The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. ‘Come and sit next to me,’ suggests the woman, patting the seat.
The man moves over and is asked, ‘Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?’
Stunned, the man replies, ‘Fuck me! Can it whistle as well?’Let me clear this up.
This product is for use by alcoholic dirt bike riders that can’t go longer than a couple of hours on the bike without stopping for a refreshing ale or 25. Some examples are myself, Boonsta, Bollocks, The Major and the like. That fact that it doesn’t have any alcohole in it doesn’t matter. It just has to task like beer. Wether you are riding singles, snot bag hills or ADV makes no difference when your fanging for a beer.
IMO.
Gaz
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