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Dave is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can’t see where it went.” His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says,
“Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good,” sighs Dave, “your brother’s 103 years old. He can’t help.”
“He may be 103,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day Dave heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” replied the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight”.
“Where did it go?” says Dave.
“I don’t remember.”
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
“The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
“But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish, full of good and loving people.”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk “I’ll never forget the first day our Parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
He did – I have to admit, that I borrowed this from an inmate on another forum, but I love it.
Been a member for a while, rebuilt computer and lost all links. Thought I should offer something.
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, “It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” ~Babe Ruth
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” ~Lyndon B. Johnson
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” ~Paul Horning
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” ~H. L. Mencken
” When we drink, we get drunk.. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” ~George Bernard Shaw
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” ~Benjamin Franklin
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” ~Dave Barry
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.! ~W. C. Fields
Remember “I” before “E,” except in Budweiser. ~Professor Irwin Corey
To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group – Salvation in a can! ~Leo Durocher
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the “Buffalo Theory” of why beer is good for you to his buddy Norm:
“Well, ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”
On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
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